Now! I Treasure My Independence!

I’ve been struggling over this blog for quite some time. I know that sex sells with the erotica blogs. However, the title isn’t Vulnerable Verbiage for nothing. I don’t want to indulge on the slushy black hole I buried myself into. That’s back tracking from the success I’ve gained.

I’ve heard from a few people that they’ve experienced the same controlling issues from their ex girlfriends after breaking up. I’ve even heard the same hateful ways of hurting them by using a child.

It drives people absolutely bonkers and they really loose their shit when YOU stop. You have to stop talking! Sometimes, you even have to stop worrying about getting your stuff back. I have plates, collectibles, Christmas ornaments, all kinds of stuff I left behind. All because I didn’t want to deal with anymore bullshit!

Stop letting them know that you’re hurting too. It’s like a little sigh of relief for them.

No. They wont admit that. They will deny a lot of crap. And sometimes it’s best that you do the same. They’re suddenly aware that a part of you misses them. Hang up, walk away, or change the topic as quickly as you can breathe when that sappy shit begins!

Ya heard?

You’re both extremely vulnerable!! There’s no telling which direction any conversation can go. No matter how rational and cool you’re trying to be.

Granted, my ex did know that I was hurting too. Through the few decent conversations we had. I missed her. Her skin and the good times we did share. When we had them. However, if I said one little thing about how good my life was going…it was like a switch. She had to find some way to stab me. Her voice would change and she’d hold something against me. I’d tell her to stop. Or you’re hurting. I found myself saying that to a lot of friends. She’s hurting…she’s not herself.

I had to say that about me a lot too. Don’t get me wrong. I was in a really rough place for months. Staying at my parents and literally starting my life all over again. While finding out a close family member will be fighting breast cancer. It was a lot to take on all at once. The PMDD medicine seemed to be doing me more harm than good. Sleep was nearly impossible without some sort of aid. I wanted anything and everything possible to stop thinking. All I was doing was thinking. And it didn’t help that my Dad used me as a punching bag for all his frustrations. Finding anything to get pissed at me about when there was nothing at all. There was no hope for my own mental stability.

I wished everyone would shut up about the future for Ex Hubby and I. Y’all could be friends after enough time? Ugh!

Are you even listening to me? Doubt it!

And after time has passed…I don’t want it! Now, I’m at a the point where if I should see her…she doesn’t exist.

It took awhile to get here. After enough hurt and blame and anger. After much self discovery and getting my life back on track. I have no desire of looking back on those times when I was this little woman at home. I have to remember the relationship that I had with her son. Not the stuff she tells me he says. I know him. I know he’s always going to say things along with the crowd. It’s what kids do. I know that he opens the blinds because I used to do that first thing in the morning. I had to start surrounding myself around positive people. People who were encouraging me, knowing my flaws and simply wanted to keep me focus. I was doing a great deal of focusing myself. Every now and then, because we’re only human, I would break down. Hard.

Don’t let the venom that an angry and hurting ex is going spray at you. You know the relationship you had with their child. And because they are not biologically yours. all you can do is let them go. It’s very hard. I think most of my struggle with the break up was loosing a child. Not so much Ex Hubby. I had this child in my life for almost five years. Bought his clothes, cooked his food, taught him things, woke him up in the mornings and then he’s not in the room next to me anymore. You’re also aware of the relationship you had with your ex. You know there were good times. At some point you did love each other.

You just have to keep going! Keep on truckin’. Or just keep swimming. They’re healing. Were my mottoes during the healing. Waiting for my job was really tough! I had nothing to do all day. Mostly, thinking. I was digging myself in a deeper hole and further into depression. Friends had no clue who I was and suggested I seek therapy. What therapy is free?? I had no money! Whatever money I did have coming in was going towards buying a car.

I called up my old job to see if they had an open position for me for several reasons. Some claim that I had this lined up. Ha! I wish I was that brilliant. If I had this break up planned I would have had money stashed aside somewhere! I went through them because their hiring process takes a long time. This was both a good and a bad thing for me. I needed to be available for the family member who was coping with cancer. We needed to see how she’d react with her treatments. My job, as expected did take a long time. The waiting was the hardest part! I was constantly worried about whether or not I’d get it or not. I loved my job when I had it. Were there some bad days? As any job has them. But, I loved them!

After working for a bit, I felt me again! There was nothing I was trying to get over anymore. My mind slowed down quite a bit and the stress, heart ache and self hatred started to fade out. The depression subsided in an amazing shift! I worked out a few paychecks and was able to have my own car in no time!! 🙂 Shortly, after the car came Roomie and our apartment!

It all works out! The fear of not being able to do my job vanished. The worthlessness disappeared from my mind! Eventually, I was able to masturbate with out thinking of her. I’ve been freely flirting and gaining new friends from all over the place. From butches to femmes and inbetween without the worry of anyone’s snobbery or disapproval. I spent my time wisely to help cope with being alone and on my own. I spent that entire summer working out and laying out at my parent’s beach house. That alone gave me confidence!

I became toned. I! Me! Actually had abs to show off! And I did at the Pride Parade for my birthday! 😉 Lots of shock and compliments from friends!! What a boost!

I am that social butterfly again. I’m making several vows to myself before getting into another relationship. I may post them here just for a constant reminder if I find myself head over heels for another handsome, sweet talkin’ face again. From these experiences, I’ve gained quite an appreciation for my independence. I loved it before getting involved in a relationship. Now, I treasure it. It’ll take a special breed of butch to snatch this chick! 😉

No. That’s not a challenge, at all!!