Why So Angry?

Let me just start by saying that I think people need to stop assuming one is angry all the fucking time. There’s a serious difference between anger and frustration. Me getting pissy because a large group of people are being rude to other customers and the cashier at a fast food joint. 

Yeah. That was anger. Because I can’t stand that shit in general. It’s rude! Not the first time I’ve mentioned it either! To top it off I was trying to hurry up and get food for my mom. When she has a craving for food I do my damndest to get that craving met. She doesn’t eat much anymore and her mouth is sensitive to some foods. #FuckCancer

On a regular basis I’m fucking frustrated, sad, helpless, confused and when I get a moment grieving. 

Don’t come at me like you care with your higher than thou positive energy enlightened bullshit. 

You noticed one negative post. One. Yeah. I scrolled through my own Facebook to reassure myself that I’ve been really fucking positive throughout my mom being sick. 

Sorry. Not sick. Dying. 

You care, right? So, it’s safe to assume you know this. 

Fuck you and your fake ass friendship. Nothing irritates me more when someone suddenly acts like they give a damn solely from one post! We’ve not spoken before? You care? Ok. Did you notice the Mom updates peppered on my newsfeed? No. You tried your hardest to spot a negative post for the day to sprinkle your crazy hippie bullshit. 

I didn’t ask for your advice. My frustration mentioned in said post was warranted. Most, if not all, unpredictable feelings are valid. Trust. I’ve asked around. 

You don’t know me. Don’t care. So stop. Yes. Deleted and blocked. 

And that’s where I stand as of late. You’re not paying attention but wanna put your two wooden pennies in my ear. Buh bye. 

I don’t have time nor the patience. I don’t care. I don’t care to say these words over and over because you’re all of the sudden paying attention, “My mom is dying.”

I’ve been here almost a year. I’ve asked for nothing. I’ve been patient and understanding to all the bullshit that has been thrown at me.

Everyone has a breaking point. 

I’m watching the most influential person in my life die. Very slowly. I’m taking care of her. Grieving and putting up with family bullshit or drama alone. And I’ve had nothing but crappy attitudes since I got here from those who claim we’re all so awesome and can get through anything together.

Nope just me.

As I figured it would be. Not shocked. I wanted to be shocked. 

This situation. Me helping my mother alone. Coping alone. Is the straw that broke the camels back regarding my feelings towards family. 

Don’t argue with me as to who I consider family in my adult life. Sometimes, it happens, that family isn’t blood at all. I’ve lived chunks of my life dealing with that. 

This ordeal validates those chunks mentioned above. 

Dying. My mother is dying. Let’s discuss how fucking positive I’ve been striving for, how much patience I’ve kept together considering everything that is or isn’t mentioned in this here post! Because it’s a lot! 

Does this post seem angry to you? Good. 

Because this. These words are fuming.

Vocabulary lesson!

Ignorant-lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular.

“they were ignorant of astronomy”

So, when a person is calling you ignorant they’re not calling you stupid. 

Anti-Trump marches calling the opposition ignorant is saying you’re ignorant to the situations we’re facing on a daily basis.

You’re ignorant to mother and her need for affordable healthcare to stay healthy if not alive for their children! You’re ignorant to the health care needs for children, cancer patients, and the elderly.

You’re ignorant to the struggles of LGBTQ people and their families and the sacrifices they’ve made to acquire same sex marriage! You’re ignorant to the fact kids, probably your kids are bullied everyday for being LGBTQ..and sometimes when they’re not even LGBTQ. You’re ignorant to our lives, our partners and our children’s struggles.

You’re ignorant to the struggle and sacrifice of immigrants who have been coming to this “great ” country for CENTURIES with the hopes of a better life for their children! You’re ignorant to the hardships of living in their country and what they had to give up to come here.

The plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty reads: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

You’re ignorant to the fact that this guy gloats about disrespecting women. As if everything we’ve fought for over the years is STILL reduced to a sex symbol! You’re ignorant to the fact that his “locker room talk” is harassment! You’re ignorant to the fact that abortion has a lot more to do with the health of the mother and baby. Be it physically or mentally. Stop arguing promiscuity. Seriously, it’s archaic. Irgnorance.

These things make you an ignorant individual! Uneducated and blind to the corruption he fucking encourages.

Booty Calls, Boi Toys & Players! Oh My!

Friends with Benefits, One Night Stands and Booty Calls are just that. Their title is explicit and exclusively just as stated! This applies to every sexual orientation and every gender! 

Do not expect them to buy you dinner or drinks unless they offer to. If you’re the one wanting to keep things on a strictly sexual level? Don’t fucking offer! You’re confusing things!

No. I’m not trying to help a bro or sistah out. I am, however, sick of people who aren’t ready for a relationship getting a bad name after they’ve verbalized this about themselves so clearly. 

Been there. Done that. Doesn’t make them a bad person or even a player. They’re just not the one for you…possibly for now. Who knows what the future holds? And that statement is NOT to get your hopes up that YOU can be the one who can change their “evil bachelor ways.”

 Stop.

Stop hoping. Stop dreaming. For the love of god stop expecting! 

That booty call will not call you nor introduce you as girlfriend. Assuming they’d ever have or give an opportunity to introduce you! Because y’all are just booty calls!

You’re not dating! You’re not going to meet the parents or friends or each other’s exes! So stop.

She’s not going to get you cute little presents to let you know she’s thinking of you. The only text message you’ll get is around bar hours asking which one you’re at so y’all can meet for a drink before moving onto your house. Probably not their house…Assuming you go to a house… Back seats will suffice in these situations.

Should you agree to being the booty to their call? This isn’t beneath you. You’ve agreed to it. You’re grown and are capable of making your own decisions. You’re making the conscious observation that you have needs too! 

I’m not denying that players exist! I’m certainly not gonna give them a break. I think they’re dirty deceitful assholes! The difference between a player and one who is your booty call or one night stand is that there is clear communication that your calls are exactly what they are. FWBs play with your pussy while players fuck with your heart!

A player will let you believe that you’re the only one she’s got her eyes on. As she’s texting the same thing to another woman! She will get you to like/love her. And she will meet the parents who will love her too. They’re sneaky and deceitful.

Know the difference! And stop expecting much from either!

Your one night stand is not going to be much of anything to you once you have them away from alcohol or the bar scene. You met her at the bar, after a few drinks..the back seat of your car or the bathroom stall was sufficient. It should be pretty fucking clear where you stand with each other. Exchange numbers if you like..because it was that good of a time. But, don’t expect a date. Expect to be last call! 

Am I saying that all of this is acceptable? Players? No! Not at all! They’re everything that is wrong in the world of dating. They’re not hot, cute or any of that!

The ones who make clear their intentions? You’re FWB, booty call, one night stand, boitoy, fuck buddy, fuck boi. They’re OK in my book for the simple fact that they make themselves clear. They make it very obvious that they’re not looking for anything serious! If you’re wanting serious or exclusive? Return the favor by communicating that fact. Otherwise, I consider you a sort of player. You’re going in with alterier motives.

Just don’t! STOP! That’s how you ignite that stupid, eye rolling mess we call drama! 

Stages of Grief: #OrlandoPulse

June 12, 2016, Omar Mateen, a 29-year-old security guard, killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a terrorist attack/hate crime inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, …

Where were you?

 I woke up with an odd feeling I couldn’t shake. Having a coffee phone date with my friend. Deciding what Grizzly and I were going to do today? We had been debating on going to Philadelphia Pride that day. That was the odd feeling. I didn’t feel like going and suddenly I had this urge to go. 

“So go!” My friend said.

“By the time I get Grizzly up and we’re ready to go. We’ll be walking from outside of Philly limits for parking! But why the sudden urge to go? I was pretty adamant about not being up for a crowd today.” I explained.

I immediately checked my social media. There it was, “What happened in Orlando? Why is there a hashtag Orlando?”

” I dunno. What? What’s going on?” My friend started asking.

” I don’t know yet. I’m looking into it. I know Pride is happening everywhere this weekend.” There it was. The link that explained everything that occurred in the wee hours between partying and ready to go home. The hours Grizzly and I were sleeping soundly. “Oh my God. The urge to go to Pride makes sense. There was a mass shooting at gay nightclub in Orlando.”

The effects were immediate. The articles already had so much information. Because his son witnessed two guys kissing. 

Huh. 49 people you knew nothing about died because of your ignorance and hate?

How did that make you feel? 

Fucking sad, angry and scared!

My friend and I ended our phone date. Grizzly woke up shortly after. We spent the day running errands. She hadn’t said anything about it until we got home. I honestly was really nervous about bringing it up. Denial, possibly.

I knew the feelings that would follow and they did. Then we were talking about them. I knew with those feelings the preparedness would ensue.

Some people don’t have to come out on a regular basis. My wife is one of those people. There is no passing or assuming she’s straight. Ugh. These are the reasons I wanted out of the South. In the South, if you step outside of a major city things get sketchy and you’re observing everything around you. 

I kept wondering what year is it? So much has changed and we’re here again. Remembering how to survive again. 

I had been, for the most part, sheltered living in the city of Houston, TX. Sheltered more so moving to the Northeast.

Here we were. Heartbroken over all these people we knew nothing about except that one connection. That we all live and love our lives exactly as we are. Freely. Unexpectedly, destroyed and ripped apart.

Scared because there are so many extremist out there just itching for that excuse to pop off. Planning and timing. 

Anger and fear. Anger causes an irrational sense of fear. It is common to experience the standard stages of loss. I struggled with an entire group of people because of one mans’ action. Knowing that’s incredibly unhealthy. Irrational. An entire religion I know nothing about. Just that all religions seem to hate homosexuality. Anger and fear.

How did you cope with these feelings?

We planned to go to the Memorial Service in Philadelphia. A little afraid of what might happen. We had to go. That urge. 

The experience was palpable. Heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, trans, blacks, whites… It was diversity at its most beautiful. Through all my sadness and fears and anger. The memorial service quickly destroyed!! Whew! I really hated feeling that way! My heart and soul exploded for this..this..Community. 

A group of Muslims were proudly present and hugging. Imagine that courage. To come before a group of people who, like myself, could’ve been angry. Courageous and beautiful. 

The irrational anger and fear dissipated. The urge, the need to go was important for so many reasons!!

We should always, always persevere! We must always find ways to get past the anger and fears that come with these situations. Without victims dying in vain.

A single person or a group of people dying from hate does not justify more hate!!

Freedom to Sit

I have to admit that I was slightly irritated at a football player sitting down for the national anthem. It’s that initial reaction. Before you really ponder on this silent protest in its entirety. It’s our national anthem! How dare he?

Of course, I didn’t make my feelings known because I had to understand why he chose to sit. I had to understand what he was risking to sit. Had to process his emotions and what he’s trying project. My initial reaction was shock. Not anger. As I had originally thought. Shock. And that is exactly what protests are supposed to do. They create shock, anger and finally conversation.

Here I was shocked by this act and at the same time reading articles about the North Dakota Pipeline through Native American territory and sacred grounds. I decided there are so many social injustices in this country that some people couldn’t possibly understand. Because they’re not or have never experienced. 

I’m not going to follow the crowd with the idea that police officers are out to get the black man. I’m a white woman and have been randomly approached by officers before. Nor am I going to agree that one’s verdict is based entirely on their race. I stress that it could very well be a factor but I’m not going to agree it is the sole factor. Let alone that it is our entire police. I’m not denying there is clearly a problem. However, for me to prejudice law enforcement is hypocritical to the argument at hand. 

Money talks. That’s where our entire justice system is flawed! 

But, I believe the media and our government like the country at odds with each other. A people focused on each other they’re distracted from what the government is doing.

Alas, you’re gonna think I’m crazy if I get on that tangent. Black people know deprivation, they have experienced discrimination. We can argue that all of that was in the past. Really? Is it? 

Sure nothing is labeled black potty and white potty. Nobody is forced to sit in the back of the bus anymore. Nor are people being auctioned off for slavery. That doesn’t mean racism is extinct.

I’m sorry folks. Take down your white picket fence and step into the street! 

The reason I made a conscious decision to agree with Colin Kaepernick is because while we’re a nation founded by minorities the people as a whole vehemently express their disdain for different. 

Yes. White male privilege fucking exist. You deny it because you’re living as such. As well as I’m ignorant to white privilege because I’ve never felt privileged to be white. I was the monority where I grew up. Therefore, I can empathize. 

This doesn’t make it right to claim every situation as a threat towards your race! I think the race card is thrown out too often that people are loosing it’s meaning.

 Yes. An officer tells you to stop. You stop. No matter the color of your skin. You don’t run, dig in your pockets or argue. That’s protocol regardless of race, gender or wealth! Take the officer’s discrimination to court. Make it to court.

But, it appears that’s a long shot now. Video after countless video.. My heart sinks. And the people taking sides against each other. You know it’s wrong. End argument and join hands.

I believe in ones right to protest. Regardless if I agree with their stance or not. People have fought and died for our freedom but lord you better jump when your government tells you to? Hmm? I’m sorry you fought for freedoms I’m not genuinely given?

Freedom. Ha! Sure. We don’t have it as bad as some countries but I can’t say that I’ve felt free in this country either. Every freedom that should be granted to a human being in this country is earned by a civilian fighting, marching, bloodshed. 

Native Americans

Irish American 

African American 

Chinese American 

Women 

Pagans 

Muslims

Homosexuals and trans

The list goes on..

This melting pot of a country would prefer you cook with a strainer. I sit with Colin for the injustices of all. 

I suggest people read and understand your constitutional rights. Freedom isn’t free. It’s at the cost of your Neighbor’s blood! 
Photo credit provided by: http://thegrio.com/2014/12/06/new-age-of-slavery-painting-patrick-campbell/