I Ain’t The One and Today Ain’t The Day

 

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I sincerely hope you all had a great holiday. I’d like to think we’re all capable of putting our differences aside during this time of year. Easier said than done. Please try to remember there are many who don’t have or can’t be with family.

I apologize that this space of mine has gone a little dark or sad and sometimes angry. The fact is I’ve gone a little dark, sad and angry.

This was my first holiday without The Mom. We have had our differences in the past. But, she was still there. Her body and the ability to call if I wasn’t too stubborn. This was the first holiday that had nothing to do with our pride. I am so thankful I had last Christmas with her. We pushed through the year with her, for her. I know, a lot of people do not get a last round of holidays or birthdays with sickness or death.

This year, this round, I didn’t celebrate. I took the year off. I baked like a fool. I thought it would make me sad because that was Mom’s favorite thing to do. Cooking and baking new recipes, the house full of all the good smells! Everyone coming over, chowing down. Laughing and eating at the table. Mom’s house shook with laughter. I thought all of those memories would drown me in the kitchen. But, I kept baking and cooking. Sharing with Grizzly’s job, her family when we visited and our neighbors.

I didn’t decorate. I didn’t go all out on presents and refused to hear carols. Blocked them out at the stores. I worked on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day happy to add the time and a half to next payday. Grizzly and our neighbor took us to Santa Lane to see the house with lights. I couldn’t stay long. It was fucking cold and I just wasn’t in the spirit.

We kept it really simple. I really didn’t or couldn’t celebrate the holiday this year. Last year, I pushed through with Mom. The year before that, Mom planned out a Skype Christmas since I had moved up north.

I had a couple of friends call or text a Happy Holiday and asked what I did. Even though I’ve told everyone I’m boycotting the holiday this year. The whole month they protested. Nope. I think I’m allowed. Knowing why I was avoiding the holidays, hearing my reasons. I managed to hear or see some say how much they’re hating the holiday because they’re with their family.

I would typically blow it off with, “Eat, Drink and Be Merry!” You’ll get through it. I simply replied with something similar to, “I don’t even know how to respond to that.”

Seriously?? You’re complaining about being with the family that is alive and manages to get together. My mom died and my family is completely torn. This is the first year I didn’t receive a Merry Christmas of sorts from my mother.

I ain’t the one. I’m not the one to complain to about your mother or your family anymore. I’m just not. I can’t be sympathetic. “You’re gonna miss it one day.” Or, “It really isn’t that bad.” Maybe it’s all part of the process and I swore I didn’t want anyone to walk on eggshells around me when it came to their mommy issues. But, fuck, man. Fuck that. You have no fucking clue when that day might come. When that mom you’re bitching about gets sick or suddenly dies. This Christmas you’re winning about could be the last?!?!

See? Anger. I was told I’d be angry at my mom or at the cancer and doctors. Nope. I’m angry at other people and the stupid shit they moan about. I’ve gotten to a point where my conversations don’t last long with certain people because I don’t wanna hear that kind of bitching. I’d rather hear a political debate or watch golf than listen to these people complain about their parents who are constantly helping them!! I just zone out, shut down.

I get it. I’m a friend. We vent to our friends. But, maybe, find another friend when it comes to venting about your family or mother. It just puts an awful taste in my mouth when I know all of the supportive things she does too!

I understand not everyone has family the can be with and it’s justified. However, there is no such thing as perfect. Our parents didn’t receive an instruction manual when they gave birth. They’re usually trying their best and beat themselves up. Wondering if that was the best way to handle it, you. Both of my parents we very far from perfect. But, I know they loved me. As an adult and through my own experiences I’ve learned to understand them. All the how’s and why’s that confused me when I was younger.

I think I’ll end here and put up that paper towel holder while I have the neighbors’ drill.

8 thoughts on “I Ain’t The One and Today Ain’t The Day

  1. This was year number 3 without my father for Christmas. Year number three since my now windowed mother lost the love of her life. I don’t know how many more Christmases I will have with my mother, but I assure you, I will be there for ALL of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was waiting for this. Silently lurking and watching “over” as you learned to cope with the all too difficult process of grief. During the days and months when this space was so quiet you could hear the sound of no one clicking away at a keyboard, I knew you were doing what you should be doing, in order to get through the incredible “sadness” of losing a Mom. Not a mother, as in the biological service of being birthed, but a Mom. You are one of the luckiest. The measure of your grief, is also a measure of your honor. A measure of how much love was shared between you. That’s the nasty side of love. Sooner or later someone is going to be put in the position of losing it. But wouldn’t you rather have it, than not? Knowing that you would one day bear this despair, if you could go back to choose, wouldn’t you still choose to love her? Being loved by her, and loving her, shaped and made your heart the color it is. Your heart is warm, and not cold, because she was there, and is STILL there, to keep the fire burning. It may not be next year even, but some day, one day, the holidays will again sparkle for you. You will have the peace of knowing that she is still with you as you sing the goofy songs, dress the tree and find your laughter once more. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • By Any Other Name, Just Another, I apologize for the delayed response. I sincerely appreciate your comment. I cried when I first read it. Thank you so much for this.
      If I could go back I would absolutely have chosen to love her even more.
      Thank you again.

      Like

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