How Am I?

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I couldn’t have picked a better time to throw a fit about Facebook! Ugh! Due to recent events it has proven to be quite the distraction. Very few people ask how I’m doing now a days and honestly I don’t know how to answer that.

My mind is…my mind is this empty space. Thoughts the size of atoms. Microscopic. Clearly it’s full. Just a bunch of whatever moving around and I can’t grab just one. Alas, scared to catch one. If I do others will hold onto that one. Suddenly I’ll be surrounded by all these atoms and I don’t think I can.. I don’t think I can think about or handle all that at once.

How am I? I’m fucking terrified. So terrified the tears are already building. And I only just started writing this. And I’m torn about being terrified because it’s not my time to tap into those/these feelings.

Already this blog is awfully vague. My mom got sick. The prognosis is quite unclear. Uncertain with folks holding Ph.D. ‘s scratching their heads.

So…I’m terrified. And I’m not OK with the trivial bullshit. I’m not OK with the twists of anger that have surfaced around me. I’m not ok with false hope and I’m not ok negativity.

I’m terrified of the uncertainty. The head scratching. The, “If this doesn’t work we’ll go this route.” Followed by another head tilt, scratch and throw your hands up.

I’m fucking terrified that my family will distance itself more so than it already had been. I’m fucking terrified waiting for a scan that determines everything. I’m terrified being out of control.

I’m fucking terrified to know what’s going on in her head. Do I really want to know? But, feel the need to know so badly.

A defense mechanism has settled within me. Just be here. Stay positive. Don’t focus on your thoughts, feelings or whatever is stressing you out. Because it’s not about me. At all. So I haven’t written. Because I can’t focus on me, my frustration, anger, fear and sadness.

There is this calmness, the defense mechanism. So, I can’t grab that one little atom…

But, this is my journal. With all the crazy, ridiculous life lessons enclosed here there is this very real situation.

2 thoughts on “How Am I?

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