I Am A Dreamer





Since I’ve made the move to the NorthEast I’ve been wondering about me. The question that has been asked a million times but one that I can never figure it out. It was something so simple.

I wanted simple. 

I wanted friends who were close. If a partner should come into my life? I wanted that relationship to be simple. I just asked that there be no more messes in my life. No more questions of loyalty and honesty.

I feel I have that. I have close friends. They live over a thousand miles away. But, they’re my true friends. I know who I can turn to in times of need. Or just a good laugh. I have my family exactly the way I’ve always wanted. I have found a good and healthy balance juggling with the broken home childhood struggle.

I found a partner who makes my life easy rather than adding more stress. For once I am safe, I can trust. Lean on. Learn from. Laugh and explore with my lover.

What do you do when you’ve got everything you thought you wanted? Should you set new goals? Raise the bar?

What now, VV?

There’s one area I’m not completely fulfilled.

Employment. Career. Honestly, I’ve never, ever known what I wanted to do for a living. Never. Throughout high school while everyone around me was prepping and applying for college. I opted out of that pathway. My logic was that I was not about to waste a ton of money  for school while I didn’t know what I wanted to do.

No joke. My childhood dream was running a small bar. My eccentric apartment was upstairs and I had this ol’ truck that needed regular repairs. Because in my little life goal setting I suddenly knew how to tinker with trucks. Ha!

In my younger years I really didn’t think much of my writing. And I still don’t. I know that I’ll never be the next best lesbo writer. Being the person that I am, needing that security. I knew there was no real future in the arts. I’ve always preferred a solid income.

I’m 32 years old. I feel like I’ve been working and not getting anywhere. Not getting anywhere I want to be. Many can raise their hands and scream, “Go back to school.”

Again. For what??

And I’m back to dreaming. I like to think that I could become a real estate agent. I’m actually in love with homes. All kinds of homes. Always looking for their potential. It would be a major high to buy an old house and fix it up. If I could sell an old house telling the potential buyers the charm. At one point, I considered getting a real estate license, go off to be a paralegal for real estate & then design school. Boom! Right?

I’ve considered starting my own business. Not like the teenage dream of running the bar below my eccentric apartment. I’ve had this business idea twirling ’round my head for years. I have no clue how to go about starting that up. And again. I like that solid income.

While it sounds like a bunch of excuses. As I type this. It’s a bunch of fear and ignorance. Isn’t that what stops change?

Fear and ignorance. So dumb.

On top of the career day dreaming Crush and I are wondering where we want to settle down for good. I’m not ready to go back home yet. As much as it hurts having people wanting me back and I have to decline. I’m not ready to go back, yet. To Texas. I want to see more. Live more. I love and hate being away from Texas. I miss the people back in Texas. I wish they could all just follow me. But, I like the different. Different accents, places, people. Uh! Hello! Seasons!! It’s Fall right now and the trees are gorgeous up here right now!!

I’m not one for red meat and I’ve experienced a fucking delicious Philly Cheesesteak in Philly!! Now, I’ll never order another cheesesteak anywhere else. So. Good. Jim’s Steaks South St. you’ve ruined me!!

Since moving here we’ve discussed Austin, Tx, San Fransisco, Ca, New York, NY and Chicago, Il.

I wonder if it all stems from the fact that I can’t stand my current job. And I haven’t had any luck finding something else in the area. That’s where the hardcore dreaming began. Just trying to find something else to do for work. There’s this cool grey building I drive by everyday to and from work. I think about opening that up for a coffee house and bar. It looks like it used to be some kind of auto shop. It’s in an odd spot. A decent amount of traffic goes by. The morning coffee might not work as the famous WaWa is around the corner. But, this would be a sit down spot, I guess.

Dreaming. Lots and lots of dreaming for another, completely different aspect of my life. I suppose I’m figuring this part got shoved on the back burner because I had no clue what I wanted to do. I had and still have no clue as to what I really want.



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