It’s Still There..



I’m going about my business. Prepping for the move to The Mom’s. Crush had made a new friend and was getting to know her. It seemed like our phone time was. Um. Getting cut short.

The way she talked about this chick. The more I knew it was becoming more than just friends. Thus, a certain feeling stirred.

Wrong. Wrong of me! I wasn’t sure if it was still my crushing? Or maybe just loosing my friend? Or me talking myself out of it? So, I kept my mouth shut. Blocking it out of my mind. We’re best friends.

End of story!

Funny thing is that Crush had even asked if that crush was still a thing. I thought it wasn’t. I really did! I was convincing myself that I was trying to talk myself out of a big change! Finding reasons not to move.

I was chillin’ in my kitchen talking to Crush one night. She likes to fuck with me sometimes. Knowing good and well that I like her Spanish. Like, really love her Spanish. She talks all kinds of Spanish in my ear and I am wiggling in my chair. We were interrupted by her neighbor. Frustrated and getting ready to head out the door. Having to stand up. I notice that I am absolutely soaked!

That same night while we were on the phone I secretly played with myself. Don’t know how I managed to keep quiet. But, I was red hot and soaking!

Crush had her thing going on. I was finished getting over the confusions with the Doc. Pushing through whatever thoughts I had going on about Crush. A butch and I who had been friends for awhile on Facebook finally decided to exchange numbers and meet.

I didn’t know if this coffee meet up was a date or friends. I rolled with it. On my way to this coffee date. I’m running mine and Crush’s relationship over and over in my head. The things she kept saying to me that got under my skin. She’d tell me that this other chick and I were so much alike.

Then what are you doing?

She wouldn’t be struggling with this chick if I were there to distract her.

What the heck does that mean?

I arrived at Brazil’s really early to work on some posts. While there Crush is texting me and wants to talk. She’s irritated with her chick. OK. I answer her phone call, of course. I had time before my..whatever arrived.

Do my damnedest to put my emotions aside. I know, by now, that I have to have this particular discussion with her soon. It’s not me talking myself out of anything. It’s me wondering if I can live with my best friend who I’ve had a thing for all this time. This best friend I’ve been wanting cloned so I can date the clone.

“Crush, there isn’t anyone out there. Seriously.” I’d complain after every dating experience and observation throughout the community. Seeing the ugly after their break ups plastered all over groups and timelines. My own dating experiences feeling out these butches. No umpf. Oh !The never ending insecurities! Jealousy. Or my most annoying…Not owning their identity.

*Side-note: I don’t care if you choose to identify or not. At least be certain of it before trying to date me. I like those who are done figuring themselves out. Don’t ask me what’s butch and what’s femme. If I have to tell you? You’re not the one for me. You should have that figured out already before dating me. Just own it. Label/identity or not. Just own it.*

Putting my own issue aside. I listen to her frustrations. As she’s done many times with me and my flings. Granted, this was not always a successful task during these times with us. Nope. I was not being a very good friend. She mentions how her and I are when we have a disagreement.

“You’re still learning each other. She doesn’t know you. We’ve been friends for a long time. We know how to handle each other. You should give her that too. Especially, if you like her like you say you do.”

In true random fashion of hers. She asked if I was still moving there. “I can’t talk about that right now.” Tears already forming taken completely off guard. She does that sometimes. :/

Get out of my head. Can’t talk about this now!

I didn’t want this conversation. At all. Especially right now. Right before meeting this new person.

“What? You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

” The crush is still there. I don’t know if I can live with you with that.” I blurt out.

“You’re breaking my heart right now.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Really really sorry.”

She asks what am I doing on this date. Meeting someone. I didn’t know what it was an actual date. How can I have this crush and still date? Not sure that I was on a date. How many times have I ranted about still being single? This isn’t my first time dealing with this crush for her. Not my first time having to tell her about said crush. I’ve wanted breaks from our phone time because I’d struggle with this crush for her. Why meet someone new if I’m planning on moving out of Texas? I don’t know if I’m still leaving Texas. She basically, tells me whatever and have my boring date.

“How do you know it’s going to be boring?” I ask.

“Because it always is.” We hang up and I put my phone on silent. Staring at my phone for awhile, fighting my tears until the ringing shocks me.

“H-Hello.” I answer.

“Hey. I just got here. I think.” My friend tells me.

“OK. I’ll meet ya up front.” Deep breath. Phone in my purse. Wondering how I’m gonna get through this after that conversation.

This butch and I got along pretty well. She talked a lot which made it pretty easy. She unloaded quite a bit on a first meeting. Hearing all of her trials through life made me feel quite comfortable. She had a friend of hers meet us there real quick. So much coffee and water my bladder was ready to burst. I took advantage of the friend arriving.

When I got in the stall, I checked my phone. Telling me to call her as soon as I’m done. Deep breaths and holding back tears again.

Thinking I shouldn’t’ve said anything. Should just roll with it. The constant thought that went through my head was my living with her. Not so much living with her and having to hold back. But, watching her with this chick. Yes. Self fish. Or not? Think about it.

My through process was this: We live together. She knows me so fucking well just through everyday phone conversations. She’d know that I don’t like some chick. She’d know by how I act and how I talk. The way I look at her chick. It’d make for an uncomfortable living arrangement while I’m a bazillion miles away! I know how obvious I am when I’m feeling a certain way. She’d catch on when I start hiding out in my room or taking off the second I know a certain someone is coming over. Not just this particular woman. Any woman. The idea of my friend dating anyone never really occurred to me. The thought never crossed my mind. In the three years of our friendship she never gave me any idea or reason to think otherwise.

This entire ordeal makes me seem totally self fish. However, I think not. I thought I was sparing an incredibly awkward living situation. Not at all what I wanted to do. I really wanted to move in with my best friend. But, other living scenarios popped in my head from time to time which I refused to tell her about. Outside the friendly movie nights.

After the coffee date, I called Crush. Tears already starting. I didn’t want this conversation. I didn’t want to hear whatever it was she was going to tell me.

Get over it. It’s nothing. You told me you weren’t crushing on me anymore. Things like that. Things I’ve told myself many times. Rejection from her. Like, what I was feeling and everything I was trying to protect was pointless. I didn’t want our friendship ruined over my crushing on her and resenting my moving there. Crushing from afar is one thing. Close quarters. An entirely different scenario.

My entire drive back to my apartment was this conversation of unleashing emotions. Tears and crying..and chain-smoking. Wanting to run and hide in my comfy little Cancer shell. I didn’t want this.

When I made it to my apartment. Mascara and eyeliner trickling down my cheeks. It was all so dramatic. This thick layer of skin was being peeled off of me. Whether I wanted or not. Because of this roommate idea we created.

She admitted that there have been times where she had to buck up and just get through her own thoughts of me, as well. We’re friends.

Huh? What? Say again? That had to sink in a minute. Sitting on my living room floor wanting to curl up in a ball.

We seemed to be in quite a predicament. And neither of us having the guts to break through the friendship barrier. We’ve been best friends for 3yrs. She’s been there. She knows all my ugly and has stood there with me. She’s heard all my ugly. We’ve expressed and been vulnerable to each other for 3yrs..naturally. No agenda. Not wanting anything from each other except listening ears and honest advice.

That night I decided that I would push through this. We settled with our fear of risking friendship. Tears and all. Fear of loosing this amazing and rare friendship.

I agreed that I wouldn’t make a final decision about my not moving there just yet. Meanwhile, considering every outcome. I could have just ruined my friendship for confessing the simple fact that this crush is still here. Also, what sort of awkwardness have I created between myself and her new whatever?

Yes. I felt the complete asshole, here. Yes. I thought, I was picking the lesser of two evils here.


3 thoughts on “It’s Still There..

  1. Janet- You have my wheels turning regarding “poor femmes.”

    Deb- I wish I could take credit for the picture. The artist signature is in the corner of the picture. I like to have pictures with my post. Most people are visual.’s just fun to look for these pictures!!


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