*Please note that I’m finishing up some old pieces before I give out all the good things going on right now. I know it’s confusing. Just bear with me.*
After hours of conversation with Crush. Many times running the wedding scene in my head. I did. I gave Doc another shot.
Messy home with bathroom trash, used tampons, immaturity, social awkwardness and lack of respect for my friends and/or co-workers. Lack of respect for me. Mechanical sex.
Me! Who knows damn good and well what/who I do not want to nor can deal with for the rest of my life. When I’m seriously ready to date. It’s not one night stands. It’s not little flings. It’s dating in the genuine search for that real thing!
I gave her another shot.
Another date. This is dating. Feeling a person out on all levels, right? The purpose of dating is getting to know someone for the possibility of a long term relationship.
The cleanliness might be something we can discuss? Dog watching. If not attempting to partake in our having mechanical sex. We can talk this out? Mechanical sex can be discussed?
The one day we both had off. She wanted to take me to the Aquarium. OK. This should be fun. I was exhausted. Working overtime, I think. After the last date, I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t like her. She had brought up her insecurities several times. I wasn’t prepared to deal with that sort of thing so early on.
I was hoping that I’d eventually get some kind of spark. Some kind of something. Some umpf with her. I liked her. She was nice for the most part. I just really didn’t know what to think of her. She’d made comments about Christians as she is Jewish. Which I responded that I’m a Christian. I know. Shocking. That made her a little uneasy after her wild rant. Told her I’m spiritual. I’m not here to convert you or anything. I’d appreciate it if the resentment about the holidays would cease. Put a friggin’ menorah on your front lawn! Nobody cares..why do you care so much about the crosses? To that she said that she’d put a menorah on the front lawn of our house. I told her it’s too early to think that far ahead. But, I ultimately wouldn’t care. I don’t put anything religious around the front of my place.
I stopped by her house and we were off to the Aquarium. She asked if I knew how to get there. I told her not really. I’ve driven by many times but haven’t actually been to this one. She sets up her GPS. OK. Good to go.
I’m a bit of a smart-ass. I can be a little sarcastic sometimes. I was giving it to the GPS which would direct our turns a little too late. At some point we got turned around. I told Doc to just follow the neon lights of the ferris wheel.
This confused her. Houston is not that difficult to get around. Kinda like a grid. For the most part. I directed her.
“Just turn her off.” Referring to the GPS.
“You don’t like her do you?” She asked while turning the power off.
“No. I don’t. She seems rather useless. Telling you to turn when you’ve already passed that street. She’s a little slow.”
“She got me here from New York.” She defends.
“I’ve made that drive. It’s not that difficult. And neither is getting around Houston. I get lost around here. But, it’s still pretty easy to figure your way around.” I explain.
“Should we not go out tonight?” She asks. This question is bewildering. What? Because I don’t like your GPS?? Are you just looking for reasons as to when or why I’ll bolt?
How can you tell me to be honest and upfront? Only to expect that honesty to be a reason to end everything? Yea. I know I’m having second thoughts about this butch. But, she doesn’t know this! Furthermore, I’m still trying to feel her out before I make a decision. I gotta tell ya. All her uncertainty. Her clear signs of insecurity are/had been making me very uncomfortable.
She’d made comments about sleeping in other people’s bed. “I don’t share a bed with anyone I’m not having sex with.”
What? It is possible to have a platonic sleeping partner. It is possible to cuddle without it leading to sex.
Anyway, I told her that I was down for our date. That I was tired after a long shift. But, we only had certain days to be able to actually have dates.
We went to get our tickets for rides and she made some comment thanking her GPS for getting us there.
You’re fucking kidding me, right? “Uh. I got us here.”
“Well. The GPS us got here most of the way.” She says.
“Just saying. Give credit where it’s due.” I mumbled.
“What?” She asks.
And with a wave of my hand, “Nothing.” Because, it honestly didn’t need to be repeated.
“I thought you were a nice girl.” She inquires.
I’m confused. Confused where this nice girl thought came from. Confused as to why she’d question my being nice. “I told you from the beginning that I’m not very nice. That I am honest and a bit of a smart-ass. Though, I don’t understand why you’re saying that right now.”
Still incredibly confused. “No. I thought you were nice.”
I don’t get it. Not sure what I did or said that makes her think otherwise right now? “Um. Ok.” I had no clue what to tell her after saying that twice under 5 minutes.
We get on the ferris wheel. Thinking it’s romantic. She admits that she used to be fond of these rides and now she actually gets a little nervous. Trying to find ways to rationalize the fear. I don’t know about some people. But, for me, if it’s explained to me as to why I might have a fear of something then I can calm it down.
“Well. If you think about. When we’re younger the adults protect and watch out for us. Anything we do and get hurt. Our parents come in to the rescue. Yet, as an adult we’re in control of our own doing. When that control is out of our hands and in the hands of that guy controlling this ferris wheel. We’re a little uneasy. We know everything that can go wrong. Where as when we were kids? We were oblivious.” There was my attempt.
She sits and thinks on it. “I feel like I can’t tell you my fears.”
What. The. Fuck. Over! “Excuse me? Why?”
She goes on to tell me that she feels like she needs to be this big, bad, butch around me. Some shit like that. I am beyond confused. What the hell did I say or do to make her come up with that?
“Um. I was trying to help with your fear. So…I don’t know where you got that idea from.” I explain. “Sometimes, it’s best to find the root of your fear to help overcome it.”
She just shook her head. Meanwhile, there was a couple in the seat in front of us making out. I just sat there confused. In awkward silence thinking that’s what you’re supposed to be doing on this sort of date.
I see my future flash before my eyes. A whole bunch of unwarranted reassurance. I don’t have time or patience for. Or the umpf for!
At the end of the date, I tell her I’m tired. She takes me to my car and we part ways. No kiss. No hug. Nothing.
I think we both got the hint and I hadn’t heard from her since.
Gimme credit for stickin’ it out y’all! 😉