After The Sludge

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I really hate P.M.D.D. Like, really! This episode was ugh!

See what had happen was..*Smirk* I pulled my back while doing lunges. My knee had been killin’ me for some reason. Pain. Gettin’ old and pain. Posture is everything during your core exercises. 😉

Ugh!

So, I couldn’t work out for awhile. Some other personal shit went down which I’m workin’ on that post. Along with a tug of war for a social life of any sort. I was in a really fucking dark space for a few days.

Then like pow!  “Hello! Aunt Flow, can I go back to me now that you’re here!?”

I’m blessed to have a very good friend in Crush. It’s quite difficult to find anyone in your life who can put up with your ugly. My P.M.D.D. is really fucking ugly. Working out and vitamins are absolutely crucial. Keeps the hormones in check. 😉 I had been in my apartment all day crying. I could only listen to contemporary Christian music to keep from crying. When the music stopped the tears would fall. The theme song for that days was this. Yes. It’s a Christian song. For those who are against this sort of music? Skip the YouTube video. 😉 OR! You can simply appreciate talent. 😉

They’re pretty damn hot too..And I wanna talk to their hair stylist. Seriously!

I was just this pathetic mess crying. Hadn’t really eaten anything substantial in days. When I did eat? It was a meal outside of my organic norm. Bad foods. Drinking was back in my system at an alarming comfort level.

Nothing to see here. Just going numb or snuggling up to my darkness. Not sure which during these moments.

Fucking hate this shit.

My brother had came home and Crush had called. I had errands to do but my pathetic mess was top priority. I had told my brother that I was gonna run my errands. As I was walking out to my car..

“I’m gonna go for a drive.” I tell Crush in the phone. The usual question asking where I’m going. It isn’t anywhere in particular. Like ever. But, if you know me. Really know me. I escape to a park. The drive out there is even a little relaxing. Anywhere I live I find a park. Some place a little isolated where I can just clear my head.

Understanding where I was emotionally. Crush offered to leave me alone. In these moments, I do want to be alone. I want to be in this darkness in private. Only a select few if any do I allow to hear or see it. I let her. She asked what’s going on? And I just let go.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted of people! I’m tired of people wanting me to let go and be vulnerable. But, when I unleash everything on my mind? They shut down or are ready to hit a delete button. I’m tired of this hippy fucking world that is just absolutely impossible. Loving each other means you love each other. For all their fucking flaws. For all your differences. It does not mean telling each other to shut the fuck up simply because you don’t agree. You try to understand your differences. Not hide or ignore them! 

That’s a snippet into the rant I gave Crush. Tears rollin’ down my face as I’m letting it all out. Haven’t slept good in days, not eating right. Unusual for me not to enjoy a gorgeous day when I’m off.

Fuck I wanted a Xanax!

I tell her the thought that has been keeping me up at night. Don’t anyone freak the fuck out! This picture of my wrists slit open and blood dripping through my fingers. I’m not gonna. But, the thought is there.

It’s just. I’m fuckin’ tired! There’s more. A lot more. There’s a two bottle of wine incident I haven’t indulged in on here. Working on it. It goes with something else to share.

But, she just let me go. And she made me laugh. I started to feel better driving back home. When I did get home, I crawled into bed. Exhausted from the day, from letting go, from crying and being terrifyingly vulnerable. At one point, I was shaking while shedding this layer of skin off of me and giving it to Crush. I didn’t need a bunch answers. She just let me vent and gave me a laugh. 🙂

I was feeling better again. Back like a Boss! Gave myself a huge hug and a thank you to Crush. I felt free. This sludge peeled off of me. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like freedom. Invisible illness are somethin’ else. Nobody can see it. You’re mostly trying to get through it alone. And sometimes, you’d prefer it that way anyway. Because, those who are around don’t know how to be anyway.

So, I’m back again. Appreciative for the listening skills. For the letting go.

It’s funny. I literally felt like I was being held and just resting when I crawled into bed. When I’m like this it’s so confusing. I feel bad for any lover that comes my way. How do you tell someone to hold you but keep your distance? Doesn’t make any sense. At one point, I told Crush that I felt like a little girl lost in the woods. When you talk about these things? Suicide or just depressed everyone wants to hurry up and fix you. It’s not even for the one who is depressed. It’s mostly, for you. The friend. It’s an attempt at helping. Yes. I understand. I catch myself doing it sometimes.

It’s the most natural thing to do, right? Friend is in need? Here are some cliche bits of advice, get a doctor, get on some pills and here’s a number. In reality, they just need an ear and a shoulder. For some. For me. During these episodes. My therapist was a joke in certain aspects. He had A.D.D. Not helpful when I’m needing one to listen. Pills terrify me.

Anyway, it’s good to be back. Speaking of which. My back is better and my knee seems to have recovered. Work outs back in action and the vitamins are coursin’ through me! 😉 I have to stay on top of that stuff. It’s work. But, if I wanna avoid pills then it’s what must be done. Working out, eating right and vitamins. It really keeps me in check. 🙂

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