Fuckin’ Vampires!

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When I came home from Florida it seemed like I didn’t get a moment to just be home. My luggage was in my living room for a few days. I had to get to the grocery store, back into my H-Town routine. Work had overtime posted that I jumped on! Most of what you read is what I type from my work computer.

I was going to work, working out and sleeping on repeat. I managed to attend a couple of local drag shows. Had lunch with a potential friend. Stayed busy.

At some point, while settling into bed watching Reba on youtube I noticed a little critter strolling near my phone.

What the fuck is that? Reba still playing on my phone. I picked it up as a light. It was some kind of bug!

Oh Gawd! What the fuck is that?!?! Keeping the light on the little thing I yelled for my brother to come into my room.

“Get in here quick! And turn the light on!” I hollered.

He jumped up, turned the light on, “What is it?”

Pointing at the little thing still crawling by my phone, “What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? Is it what I think it is?”

Hand behind his head, tired, “Uh. Yea. You’ve got bed bugs.”

I sat straight up wanting to pull everything out of the apartment! Isn’t that the protocol?

“What do I do?” I cry looking all around me. Total paranoia!

My blood was pumping. My heart was ready to jump out of it’s chest. I suddenly felt little feet all over me.

Just a wee bit dramatic! Yes.

He suggested a spray bottle with vinegar. He also said that it wasn’t that big of a deal. He’s seen them bunched up in the corner of the walls before. They apparently like to get in the cracks and corners. Ya know? Places you’d never notice. Little fucks!

How am I supposed to get to sleep now? We headed out to the store for a gallon of vinegar and filled up my spray bottle. We sprayed all the baseboards, my mattress and all the little creases of the platform bed frame. This happened in the middle of the night on a Sunday when the leasing office isn’t open. And don’t even get me started on their sad excuse of an emergency maintenance line! To me this was an emergency.

I felt a little safe going to bed in the funk of vinegar. Slept fine. Yet, I awoke to three little red dots on my knee. Before my shift on Monday I went into the leasing office to advise them of the bed bug. The lady told me that the exterminator comes out on Thursday. There was a woman with her son looking at the apartment brochures. So, I wasn’t sure how to go about explaining the urgency.

“I’m not sure how to go about this. I think this requires a different sort of treatment, even.” I tell her.

“Ok. What kind of bug is it?” She asks.

I look down at the lady and her son. The lady looks at me and just smiles. I know they were speaking in Spanish when I walked in. I don’t know if she knows English. Fine. I’ll say it.

“I have bed bugs. I found one last night and woke up to bites this morning.” I explain.

“Oh. Yes. They’re different.”

Well duh! As usual she takes down my number and apartment number on some random piece of paper. “I’ll call for more information. I think we should be able to get someone in. And the other units will need to be treated as well.”

“Ok. I’m off to work but I’ll keep my phone on for this.” I say as I walk out.

No. Fucking! Phone call! And no fucking surprise!

I came home from work. No odd chemical odor? The little brother said he didn’t see anyone while he was home. There was nothing posted on the door. Nothing.

Maybe, it’s just that simple. That’s how the routine extermination goes. I go to work, they treat the place. I can’t remember if they leave a note or card saying that they treated. I’ve not had a bug problem since I’ve moved to my studio apartment. Roomie and I had the regular exterminator come out for the typical cockroach when we were living together. We got new neighbors and those pesky things made way into our apartment. Haven’t had an issue since.

Ok then. Went to bed Monday night. Slept fine. Woke up Tuesday to a fucking bug on the wall where my head rests!

What the fucking fuck! Tuesday is my regular day off from work. I had the morning set aside for spin class, cleaning and a date.

Oh Gawd! Should I even go out on this date? It’s our second meeting. Would she understand that I’m not trying to escape? I have done all this reading on bed bugs. I’m practically an expert! Fucking vampires! Fucking hitchhikers! The hitchhiking had me wondering if one is obligated to let people know that they have bed bugs?

Put on my gym clothes ready for spin class en route to the leasing office.

I walk in the door, “Hi. How are you today?” Same chick from the other day. Grrr! Bitch!

Annoyed.” I told her with a “fuck you” smile.

“Oh. What can I help you with?” She asked.

“I told you about my apartment having bed bugs yesterday. You said you were going to call and I never got a phone call. What’s the deal? These bugs can infest your place in days.” I explain.

She steps away to speak with her manager. Comes back to tell me that I need to get a sample.

“I have to catch one of these things?” I confirm.

“Yes. I know it’s gross. I’m so sorry. But, we need the sample to prove that it is bed bugs.” She goes on.

“Ok. I could’ve done this the other day. Not sure why anyone would make this up. It’s a pretty distinguishable bug. Fine. I’m going to the gym and I’ll come back with the bug.”

She said that she’s putting in the paperwork as if I’ve already turned in the specimen.

Gross! Gross! Gross! Oh! Where? Oh where is a butch?!?! Let me explain my cry for butch. Retrieving this little pest was not an issue. I didn’t squeal or even feel squeamish getting it in the bag. I just didn’t want to do it!

I went for a jog at the track instead of spin class. It was gorgeous outside and I was livid! The jog helped me get cool again.

Ran around town trying to find the recommended mattress cover and some foggers. Thinking there’s been an outbreak. Queen beds are the most common household bed. Finding a queen mattress cover was not an easy task. I think I went to four different stores. Gross! Bought some more trash bags and duct tape to seal up all my linens and clothes.

Gross! Gross! Gross!

When I got home and dropped everything off there was a bug in the crease of the bookshelf which separates my room from the living space. I don’t use paper towels and my left overs are put in Tupperware. Hmm..what to put this thing in? Oh! The li’l bro uses sandwich bags! Got ’em! Turned the buggar in and hit the shower.

Still deciding on the date. Shot her an email telling her my situation. She called right after I got out of the shower.

“So, you’re trying to get out of our date?”

“No. I really have bed bugs. I’m sorry. I’d totally understand if you wanted to cancel. Not gonna lie. If the situation was reversed? I’d probably cancel with you.” I protested.

We agreed that the movie was out but we could still dinner. If you insist. And a thank you God! Good Lawd! I’ll expound on her later! 😉

I’m OCD! There is a place for everything and everything in it’s place. I don’t like waking up to a mess. Knowing that there are bugs wondering my living space at night gave me the heebie jeebies! Seeing said bug makes me feel like a dirty individual. I know they’re not picky little suckers. But, I felt like one disgusting chick! Ugh! Dirty, gross, unkempt. My brain was rattling wondering what I did to attract these fuckers?

Through all the reading there really is no telling how they came to my apartment. I didn’t get bit in Florida but that doesn’t rule out the possibility. Two new residents moved in next to my unit. Could have come from them. Apparently, they like bird’s nest? The gutter over the stairs to my apartment practically had a garden in them. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a bird’s nest near by.

I got the instructions on my door a day later with the treatment date. I originally went in on Monday in hopes that whatever needed to be done I could do on my days off. I got this paper on Thursday my last day off on to work on Friday through Monday. I work ten hour shifts from noon to 10PM. See what I’m getting at here? A royal inconvenience!

I had to stay awake at night removing anything that seemed to be clutter. Moving furniture away from the walls. The instructions didn’t make sense to me. No clutter but get everything off the walls. All the walls were bare and drawers were taken out of the dressers. But, everything was in the center of the rooms which looked like clutter? Hmm.

My crazy saved me! The exterminator said that his job would be allot easier if everyone did their home like I had. Score!

Sleeping schedule, cooking routine and gym dates all messed up due to these fucking vampires! Staying up late, not able to sleep to work out in the morning. Cooking pushed aside as an inconvenience. Ugh! Laundry took up all three off days from work!

Funny. Every time I look in my closet I don’t think I have anything to wear! *Head tilt*

I printed out Tenant Right’s Handbooks. What to do in case the first treatment doesn’t work and a follow up is needed. The leasing office told me that if a follow up is needed it’s coming out of my pocket. They also mentioned that the other units in my building weren’t going to be treated. I’m the only one reporting.

*Ahem* Some people don’t even know that they have bed bugs! We’re all in close quarters. These fuckers are just gonna go from one unit to another! I live next to the model apartment. It’s always empty. For all I know, from what I’ve read they might just hang out over there breeding away until dinner time!

“If you follow the instructions then you shouldn’t need another treatment.” She tells me.

The fucking female lays 5 eggs at a time all fucking day long! One woman in the office admitted to not knowing anything about bed bugs. I’ve been researching the fuck out of these damn things since that first night!

Gross! Gross! Gross!

Fine. Typed out a list of events that took place since I advised the leasing office of the bed bugs. Instructed that I will be conducting our future conversations through email. As long as I follow instructions beginning to end it would be their responsibility to treat the place. Or I can break my lease and leave.

Low and behold!

I get home from doing laundry and find that my little brother has left his bags open, the place doesn’t appear to have been vacuumed and there is a small pile of clothes in the corner of his living space.

I’m pissed! He’s lucky as hell that he wasn’t home!

I still have the foggers and will continue to fog the place until it’s time for me to move. That’s just in a few months.

Gross! Gross! Gross!

My cat has been affected as well. She has two ugly scabs! One on the back of her neck and another behind her ear. 😦

This shit has been fucking with me. My new date has helped me feel less irrational. She doesn’t think I’m crazy. Whew! I’ve felt like a crazy person! My mom has been incredibly helpful letting me use her washer and dryer all three days! I was able to spend some time with my little niece and my sister. So, through the nasty there was some awesome.

I was still able to meet with my date. I did tell her about the bed bugs and we took caution. Bagged up my purse and shoved it in the fridge at her house after dinner. I visited with the mom, sister and niece. That’s always a joy! I love that little girl! ❤

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