Thus changing attraction? Or in my case. My own lesbian sexuality?
As I grow more independent. I fail to see myself with a butch in the future. Rather with a femme. I’ve posted a couple of occasions with a femme. Topping a so-called butch. I’m wanting to shop for more dicks and harnesses. Perhaps I am simply a Top Femme? However, I don’t agree with that.
The bedroom is the one place where I’ve always wanted to loose control. I have my moments. Yet, dominantly this isn’t the case. 😉
Roomie and I were having this discussion the other night. I was telling her that after gaining so much of my independence again. I kinda feel this dominance with it.
I’m aware that I had made the choice to become a housewife. I was unaware what that would entail. I knew I’d be cooking and cleaning every day. Didn’t think I’d never have a day off. Instead I took them when being depressed with PMDD or a random alcohol induced overkill. I always saw myself deteriorating. No matter how hard her or I tried to tell me that I’m still my own woman.
I think, I can understand the women’s movement from housewives to working women. It sucks being asked how much something costs by your lover. After a day of shopping for yourself. My own little treat. Little break from the house.
I’m a very cheap shopper by the way! I love my thrift stores, outlets and craigslist! So, why would I need to be asked how much something costs or how much did I spend when I walk in with bags? Showing off my finds! It’s like an interrogation on my own little parade. Doesn’t it all show up in the bank statement anyway? Why ruin my little day with that petty shit?
My brother had asked me the other night wondering why aren’t I dating. I was totally distracted checking out this butch the entire time we were out at the bar. I was in my gym clothes and I’m sure still smelled of outside and sweat from our bike ride! No. I was certainly not going to make any moves!!
I admitted to him that I’m too selfish to date at this point in my life. As much as I’d like to. As much as I enjoy looking and the comforting thoughts. Coming home and there’s a happy butch ready to hug me and kiss me. Plans for our days off. Or a comfy night in. I’m too selfish right now. I’m in this zone that you either keep up with me or fall behind. If you don’t want to join m? Don’t bitch about what I’m going off to do on my own. Ya wanna have a say? C’mon then.
I don’t want to deal with the hassles of my having butch friends and a butchs’ relentless insecurity about those butch friends!
Another thought is what if my change in attraction is the equivalent to a once straight woman who gets sick of men. You know what I’m talking about? Those women who have been dating men for so long and get tired of being treated like shit suddenly are a lesbian.
Seriously, Hon, women are way worse.
Perhaps, I’m tired of butch coming in and saving the day all the time. I don’t like feeling like some princess who can’t do shit on her own. While I know that there’s tons of things that I can do all by my damn self. Tired of the opening door debacle. Tired of being Femme and it’s assumed that I should be cooking and cleaning.
We both work…you can do a share of this Suzy Home Maker shit!
Tired of it assumed that I should do all this stupid girly shit simply because I wear the heels and dresses. I make money and love treating those I care about to dinner! It makes me feel good.
I wonder if I’m just tired of that superficial, machismo bullshit that is dominantly ingrained in the butch species.
I’m a woman who left a Butch/Femme marriage. Left with nothing. Now, I have my own car, my own place, a good job, my family and a small group of friends. Seriously, there’s not much this bitch can’t accomplish when I really set my mind to it!
This independent side of me was being stashed further into the storage bin. Once I opened that door. It’s like a tidal wave of Self erupted onto the driveway!
Perhaps, I’m terrified to be put into that place again. The struggles/stubbornness for control. Inability to compromise because two people have their own idea of things should be. Rather than accepting the fate that is a break up..you tirelessly keep pushing on. I don’t have it in me to do that. I don’t want to.
I wonder if I might be the Top in a Femme/Femme relationship. As much as I love butches maybe they’re just not right for me?
Either too friggin’ controlling. Might as well date a man from the 50’s. Too lazy. Or try too hard to be some kind of player. Yea..that’s all so attractive. Finding a decent one is like a straight women looking for the right man. However, as a single Femme. The butches you come in contact with are either taken or simply not ready.
While I want to get out and date again. I see no potential..
The more I think about dating Femmes the less I’m interested. We’re fuckin’ cra-cra!!! LOL!