Where Is My Mind?

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Since the Tarot reading and slipping on the cigs. I’ve been a bit inside my head.

Being told basically the same thing I was told over 10yrs before is not a comforting experience. I shouldn’t dwell on it, but it is eating at me. I mean, how do you just knock down walls? How does one just become vulnerable? And with my experience? Observing what’s out there? I see more reasons to keep those walls intact! With land mines and cannon balls at the gate! LOL! If there is a gate? A gate would suggest an entrance…I’m not sure I have one. According to the reader I do. But it is a tiny entrance and it is sealed! LOL!

I don’t consider vulnerability a weakness for others. I’m proud of their strength for being able to trust, get burned, and keep on trusting. Seriously! What’s your secret? I like hiding and letting only a selective few in. Aside from whoever reads this blog.

I try posting/writing as though nobody is reading. Like my own little journal someone may happen to find. The curiosity in human nature taking power to read!

Quitting drinking and smoking isn’t as bad as I thought it was gunna be. The smoking, I thought was going to be complete torture. Mornings and after work are the toughest. Most of the day I find that I really don’t care for it. Perhaps, I’m just focused on removing toxins from my life. All toxins. And while doing so I’m realizing just how alone in this world I am.

I don’t think like most people. I’m not the free for all, tree hugging hippy other lesbians like to be. I love butch women but can’t seem to find any that accept me for the strong woman that I am. When they do, they can’t handle that I can get weak. Laughing me off. Not realizing that I need a shoulder or an arm wrapped around me. To rest. Don’t fix it. Just let me rest. The rest of the world? Outside the lesbian realm?

Removing toxins includes people. I’ve rid myself of Boss. Probably, not in the most ideal way. But, it’s done. I wanted it done and it happened. A weight has been lifted. It was a crush on my own ego and self worth being around her. I’ve come too far to be put in that place again.

I don’t want to be vulnerable! I was co-dependent in the worst possible way and I don’t care to be in that place again! Supposed loved ones have known all my secrets and turn them against me.

I want love but it terrifies the ever living fuck out of me! I burn! I shrivel into this pathetic little charred ball. Tossed into a dark corner. Wanting to forget only to be incessantly haunted by everything!

The good, the bad, disgusting and uplifting. The pain and the nourishment of love haunts me. To feel so amazing as passionately in love and in hate or anger.

I miss being young. Before hurt. The innocence of love. Not knowing there is/will be pain to follow through at some point in your future with one another. Call it self fulfilled prophecy. Is it? Is it not true that with love will come everything just as passionately? A simple discussion regarding dinner can twist into another ill decided discussion?

Or can love conquer all? It’s not some fantasy we read to children every night. I love how those stories all end with happily ever afters. Leaving us absolutely clueless once the rings are set and papers signed. U hauls rented and furbabies selected!

I see how we all communicate with each other. Everyone out to get another. Defenses on the rise. Constantly searching for a fight, debate, argument rather than hearing what each other are trying to say.

Happens all the time here. I’m sure some have noticed. I’m constantly feeling the need to defend myself and what I am trying to say. Then arguing with myself. Wondering why? Reminding myself that I like my locked doors, dark closets and walls.

I’ve yet to find an adult relationship where the other party recognizes that I’m on their side. I might not agree with something. However, ultimately, once you’ve proven your loyalty to me…I am loyally yours. Your friend, confidant, or lover. Only to get shoved down on the stakes piercing through my back, lungs, heart and out on the other side of my body.

The Tarot reader had asked if I was tired.

That’s a loaded question. Which should I be more tired from? The constant attempt to let others inside with me only to be torn up and spit out? Or the fight to keep them all out and at a safe distance from me. My therapist had told me a few years ago to set up boundaries and recognize how or when to use them and with who. It was in reference with my coming to terms with my relationship with my family. Perhaps, I’ve become a little too comfortable with the boundaries that there is no break through. Nor do I want one. However, I was also advised by said therapist to step outside of comfort zone…

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