The Nitty Gritty

nightiscoming

I didn’t mean to sound like such a bitch last night. I’m seriously struggling and no I can’t seem to cope with it.

There has been a lot of talk around me about babies and custody with kids. I’ve been missing my stepson.

Going back to that break up. I’m over it!

I just don’t want to trust anyone again. I don’t want to get so attached to anyone or their kids again. If I feel close to anyone I just want to push them away right now.

Forget you ever met me.

Sounds fucking pathetic. I know. Childish? Perhaps. A few days ago, I was contemplating doing the single mom thang. Really thinking about getting myself pregnant and taking care of the baby on my own.

I miss caring for something. I miss having other priorities other than myself.

I can’t and don’t have that right now. So, I’d rather shove it all aside. I like you, worry and care about you. Get away from me because I can’t and shouldn’t.

So, these thoughts are causing me to react. Drink, get angry, insecure..this mess that has been before you.

I literally stood in the mirror and held my belly out just to see. Rubbed on the roundness..pretending. Hopped in the shower holding back the tears. Knowing this is impossible for me.

It’s not something I want all the time. And even if it was. I don’t want to do it as a single mother. I’d want a family.

I need to push it all aside. Wanting love. Wanting to give it and experience it.

I want my corner.

Ugh. I hate putting down this other bit. But, I’m supposed to be transparent and all that hoopla. I’ve been wanting to cut myself for days now. I hinted on it before. The harder I try to resist the urge. The stronger it seems to come on. Thank God for a day job! I know exactly what I’d be doing if not for work!

I’d be in bed feeling like shit about myself. Then more shitty because the house is falling apart and I’d be eating unhealthy.

I am working on my eating. But, not my drinking. I just told my brother that I’m done with the bar scene. I’m bored with it all. The feeling the next day. The people. I’m really bored with the people.

Yet, for now, I just want away.

Welcome to my nightmare!

I was finally able to get my vitamins. We shall see. I’ll be getting back on my work out tomorrow. Those few little changes should help improve these emotions.

I can’t wait to get back on track. I miss me!

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