A little over two weeks off of Celexa and my period has arrived. A couple of days before the infamous Aunt Flow I was so emotional I had to stop talking to the Crush. I’m just simply calling her Crush.
When I admitted my crushing on her I told her that I knew it was dumb to crush on anyone right now. For me as well for anyone else. It’s not the right time to be doing so. I also, warned her that I may need to take breaks every once in awhile during our friendship to recollect myself when I feel like I’m crossing my own boundaries.
Change In Tone was a fairly loud warning! Wouldn’t you agree?!?!?
She was very respectful about it. Genuinely respectful. LOL! Not helping! Alas, I asked for the break on Wednesday and was ready to have her back on the phone by Friday night.
Yes. I needed the break. Yes. I tried to consume my mind onto other things. But, oh. How it races everywhere and nowhere at all. I went out with my family after my shift on Saturday and she called me. I couldn’t answer because it was a rare occasion for my entire family be out in Houston after 10PM!! Spoke to her on Sunday. So glad to have her on the other end of my phone again.
I asked for the break, right? Check it. I thought she was mad at me or that I scared her off with my wanting the break!!!
Fuck this PMDD shit! Insecure fucking shit! No.
I safely over analyzed far enough to know that she was respecting my boundaries. Pushing a little further through my thought process? She respected my boundaries?!?!? Wow! Though, I sincerely appreciate that. Still not helping! LMAO!!
Along with the emotional bullshit can bring on insomnia. I’ve had insomnia again for about three days. Even after a few beers I’m still wide awake. It was a long day/evening at work last night and I came home drained. Still awake. I fell asleep at almost 4 in the morning with plans to wake up at 8AM to make it to Yoga before shift at noon.
Snooze button is a powerful thing. I’ve been waking up at 10AM. If not a gym class I walk the perimeter of my job. Getting something, anything in for a work out.
When Crush had texted wondering how I was doing.
I’m not myself. Yes. I hate writing this. And struggling to figure out exactly what I mean by it. I’m just off. Not working out, ran out of vitamins, not eating or sleeping well! Lost in thoughts of nothing. Like my head isn’t here.
My weekend starts tomorrow. I have an entire list of things I absolutely have to do and I don’t wanna touch a one of ’em!
I am falling into my hole. It’ll be over shortly after the period, I know. But it fucking throws off everything I enjoy throughout the day!
I roll the windows down when driving my car. Music blaring out the speakers. Drinking my cup of coffee. My day is usually great. Not lately. Eh. I’m just getting to work.
Last night, after crush and I got off the phone. I wanted to sit in the corner of my room in the dark. I just wanted to curl up and be in this blagh space! I can’t find a damn word for it! It’s just this down, dwelling, dark, empty space. Clouds of emotions for no reason.
About to fucking cry trying to tell y’all this right now. It’s fucking stupid! You feel this way and you don’t know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. You just are! So, how the fuck am I suposed to be open about it? How the fuck am I gunna tell you how I’m feeling? When I don’t even know why I’m feeling like this? If I mention I’m about to start or am on my period? Then what?
Do I get the brush off? What’s the fucking point?
I know everything is great for me! I know this! I am wonderfully blessed for all that I’ve accomplished. The people that have stuck with me knowing everything.
There’s absolutely no logical reason for me to be like this right now!