My prescription ran out and among all the other things I keep myself busy doing. I didn’t get my insurance in on time to get another refill on my meds for PMDD.
As you’ve noticed, I haven’t been around much. That’s not to say that I’ve gone into a state of depression. I’ve just been pretty cerebral. I’m still debating if that’s a good thing or not. Knowing my history, I’m aware that if I get too inside my head it takes me to my dark places. Sick thing is. I like my dark places sometimes. I don’t like to be in them. BUt, I do enjoy when I’m free. It’s a refreshed feeling. When I step into the darkness..it’s almost cold. There’s blankets I can snuggle into and just be there. It’s weird to describe.
I’ve been a busy girl!! I missed the sign up by just a couple of weeks!! Damnit!
I’m ok with that. The only thing that had me nervous about it was my meds for PMDD, of course.
The first day, wasn’t too bad. Going on with my life as usual. Though, it does take a few days for medication to leave your system. Right now we’re at four days. Second day, I was inside my head. Just unable to really talk about it. By the third day, I was on fire! Speaking exactly what was on my mind. You see that I do that anyway. However, this was on a different level. Almost argumentative. Cool part…I didn’t go all crazy. I was quite calm and collective. As some may have noticed from the Tree Hugger post.
I’m writing this on the fourth day. I didn’t want to do a thing yesterday. Nothing. This worries me. I don’t like being lazy. Makes me think too much. I’m not sure if these crazy allergies. Roomie said she was having the same symptoms. However, I’m having these symptoms while off my meds.
I read through some old posts yesterday. It was brought up to do so by a couple of people. Perhaps three days off Celexa wasn’t an ideal time. Just being in that past all over again. I started wondering to myself as I was reading. What the hell? It’s clear in your writing that you weren’t that happy. She was my world, but I didn’t like our world. I noticed how I sugar coated those blogs so I wouldn’t piss her off. I knew I was submissive gal..but that was stupid. Having to censor myself for one who is supposed to love me unconditionally. I know she did those things too. Our relationship was floorboards made of eggshells.
Could be why I am so cautious right now when it comes to dating. Could be why I don’t want to date at all. Might be why I’m looking for a boi who is a little softer. I don’t like being dominated through out every aspect of life. That tears me down and inevitably will break us.
I noticed a change in tone in my writing. Yes. My writing still seems a little all over the place. Not sure if that will change. What you see is my just a typing with the flow. I noticed the anger is gone. I noticed a calmness occurring through the past posts to where I am now. I noticed a more confident sense of self that has taken over me.
Someone said that I scare them. That struck me in a weird way. I don’t intend to be scary. I try to be open, honest…real. That’s my goal! The moment I start holding back…that’s when you and I need to be nervous. There’s no telling how deep in my darkness I decide to travel. Hence, laziness terrifies me.
To be honest. Last night, while trying to get to sleep. All I could picture was a razor blade on my arm. Not for suicide.No no!! Just for the pain. The way cuts and blood appear on skin. Sounds a little demented? I know. I don’t do anything, of course. It scares me to think about it. If it comes out of nowhere like that. It’s been awhile since those thoughts have come up.
If you’ve ever known a cutter. You’d know that they describe the cutting as something almost erotic. The shine of the blade, how it pierces the skin, the way the blood bursts free. A high.
When I ran out of meds I substituted them for usual vitamins and some St. John’s Wart. *Shrug* Can I call that a placebo after I’ve had the Celexa? It was helpful, but not to level of Celexa. I was still very much in my head. I started having off the wall dreams. The Celexa didn’t shut my head up. Just kept thoughts from racing. Kept me from reacting rather than responding.
I don’t think I’m going down. I think I’m just readjusting. The laziness I’m experiencing…could be allergies or the effects of coming off my meds.
I never wanted to be dependent on prescription medicine. This post is proving to show otherwise.
If one gets wrapped in a debate with me..don’t assume it’s because I’m off my meds. Take the debate for exactly what it is. A healthy discussion involving people with different perspectives.
I Dub Thee Tree Hugger is one example. I had a debate with someone about Chivalry vs. Misogyny. And last night another about Armageddon. Roomie even pointed out that I’ve been getting in a lot of debates lately. Had to remind her that I’m incredibly cerebral. I’m dying for one those deep conversations. I’ve been getting lost in my zones. Which is something I haven’t done a while.
So, now you’re experiencing V.V. No meds, no St. John’s. Just my daily vitamins. Yea. I’m not sure if I’m ok with it just yet.