Dream of Self Discovery

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Um..excuse me! Brain, we need to have a talk! I know summertime is on it’s way. Remember, we used to love everything about Summer. Warm air, the beach, free time, outside activities?? Remember??

I had some fucked up dream about my going over to Ex-Hubby’s house to wish my stepson a Happy Birthday. It is coming up. My family and I are leaving for Cabo the weekend of Ex-Hubby’s birthday. I would be getting excited wondering what cakes to bake them. For their birthday they were to pick out the kind of cake I would bake for them that evening. Ex-Hubby loved her red velvet cakes.

It was so wierd to have that dream of me going over there. Ex-Hubby was at a loss as to how to be around me. The new wife wouldn’t leave us alone for two seconds. Apparently, it was a rule in the house. I was saying goodbye’s to my stepson and she was standing in the doorway. I blurted out, “Excuse me. I’d like a moment with him.” She told me they don’t that in that house.

At some point Ex-Hubby and I were alone and the new wife came in all kinds of pissed because of the way we were sitting. It was very fucked up.

I was going to stay the night as friends or something. But, the wife was too much and Ex-Hubby just let her run everything. It was odd to see. Ex-Hubby was usually the one who had the final say sos. I left at some point in the night. Told the wife that she was crazy for getting so upset. Because, even in the dream I didn’t think anything of me and Ex-Hubby as a relationship. Just being friends. Ex-Hubby said that she was happy. There’s no fighting. I told her at what cost.

As I’m writing this I’m a little scared that one would misinterpret this dream. Honestly, I don’t even think it has to do the ex. Now that I’m writing it out. Not sure where the dream was going for me as I’m just realizing it’s not about her. It’s about me. It’s not about the subconscious missing the person and wanting a friendship.

I think it’s more about realizing those who do know me. See the difference I am since leaving that life. I was the crazy wife because I was so unhappy. Ex-Hubby being in this odd mix of how to react to everything. Is actually me. My confusion with not being happy with that “perfect” life. How different I am now. How happy I am now. I don’t get so pissed off, jealous or upset about stupid stuff anymore. I like that. I’m calmer when someone else is upset and can take the time to hear them. Rather than get pissed at them projecting at me.

I can see how the life with Ex-Hubby would be in that dream now. I can see how those familiar faces would portray my own personality in some way. The person I am now and my struggles with falling in love again. The conversation keeps arising about me getting myself out there and finding love.

It’s not my holding onto to Ex-Hubby. It’s me stuck in my own guilt from that relationship. I should have left after the first blow. Should have been a sign to myself.

Putting off love is me trying to find happiness in being myself again. The honest, blunt, wonderfully independent woman that I am. I don’t want to fall so privy to the comfort of a butch giving me everything. I don’t like that. It’s appreciated. But, Id’ rather us both give to both of our desires. I want to treat a butch a nice night out. Not make something free or do something that is actually being pulled from her paycheck.

Money doesn’t buy you everything. But, it sure makes me feel good to give it back to my lover in some form. I think the dream went the way it did is because that was the most significant experience I’ve had in a relationship. I think, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the things I want out of the next relationship.

That’ll be another post one day. When I can figure it out myself. Right now, I’m still working on me.

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