Sick of this Place

womans-heart

PMDD is a mother fucker!!

Here I think I’m going on about my buisiness. Getting out of my rut since my grandmother’s passing. Realized it’s been two months since I’ve hit the gym! Last night Roomie and I went to work out for about an hour. We both thought that working out was going to help. Well folks, I sit before you with the same bullshit that was bothering me the day before.

I’m lonely. Not all the time. But this round of PMDD episode I’m just longing. I’m helping a friend of mine get their work out there. While reading their posts I vividly saw everything going on in my head as if I were there.

Yea. I hate this shit!

I told her that I needed to put off this one for a bit because…I’m just a wee bit emotional and stupid sensitive. I kept telling her it was too mushy for me right now. Which is the truth.

When we got off the phone I started fucking crying because I can’t say why I really couldn’t work on it.

While coping with the loss of my grandmother…I was still helping others through their problems. I’m about to cry now.

Ugh!

I’m wishing I had a pair of strong butch arms wrapped around me. Don’t fucking say anything. Don’t try and fix anything. Just hold me. Let me cry right now.There’s nothing to fix. This is a hormonal imbalance. That’s why I beat myself up over not working out. Working out helps your hormones. Among so many other benefits.

I was pushing aside my needs or wants during everything and now it’s coming down on me like a fucking bucket of oil! I put it all aside because…what’s the point. If I say I want a butch to hold me for an evening or two. Where is she? She’s just gunna knock on my door with that smirk on her face.

“Someone asked for a snuggle date?”

Or, ” Strong butch arms at your service!” 😉

Ha! In my special femmie dreams!!!

Then I realize, I don’t want anyone. What’s the point if I had a butch around? I’ve had girlfriends that have shrugged me off. Not giving a shit as to how shitty I fucking feel. Yet, I had to be there for them? Through everything in the world.

And that is why I call this PMDD girl that consumes me every now and then stupid! The everyday tough bitch, V.V. knows that all this longing and wanting is fucking stupid! With or without someone! It’s stupid and fucking needy. And annoying as fuck because you know no matter who is around or not. It wont be fulfilled. People can try but they don’t get it. And every butch thinks they can fix everything. Sometimes that gets under my skin! Can’t I just be sad and needy for a bit.

How often do I crave that? How often do I drop and feel weak and tired? Begging to be held?

Exactly! I do a damn good job putting on the badass bitch facade! Those that know me. Really know me. Or just know human nature. They know that everyone gets tired.

This PMDD is a few days of just feeling lonely! Usually for me. Uncontrollable crying and just feeling shitty about myself. Being unhappy and not really knowing why. I can’t be proud of myself no matter the accomplishments I’m doing. And Honey, I should be really fucking proud of myself! This little baby blog of mine is making some waves!! I’ll post about that later!!

This post is about my venting about my condition. I’ve been craving church a lot lately. My attempts to quit smoking have gone out the window the last couple of days. Smoked 6 cigs..and yes. The number seems to be increasing after a four day work week of no smoking at all! Those 6 cigs made me sick…but I still wanted them. Only to beat myself up about it.

I’m longing to be touched and held. Feel her breath on my skin. Lips on mine. Fingers running through my long hair. Resting my head on a butch’s chest and just listening to her heart beat. Melting into her and being able to just relax in that moment. Just release and relax and touch.

Just be together.

8 thoughts on “Sick of this Place

  1. Hugs.. hugggggggsssssss.. i need a lot. I lost my father months ago and I only cried a few silent tears to my girl who at that stage didn’t know where she stands yet with me. Now, I need feel her love and wrapping care as much as have it inside for her. ahhhhhhhhh. every time we meet i think, now, today… she is not yet sure and i am very ready though trying to be patient. Would you read my post on the issue and kindly help.
    Thank you in advance, anyone.

    Like

  2. i did receive a hug days ago from someone i suspect is at least bisexual if not gay and had not found out. she actually initiated it and we’ve met afterwards, which is the 3rd tome, and she can’t take her eyes off of me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s