I’ve been neglecting posts. As usual, I have several in the works and I can’t find the time nor the “zone” to get them out!! I’ve been feeling a little A.D.D. for several weeks now. While trying to keep myself from getting depressed. And really trying not to make this some sappy boo hoo place!! As I’ve mentioned several times, this is my little diary. So there will be some moments of drawn out crap. Yep. I said it. Crap! I don’t like it one stinkin’ bit either!! With everything I’ve been twirling around in my head. I’m going to try and knock it all out at once. I certainly hope I don’t confuse anyone.
Grandma has passed away. This has been a serious tough one because there are so many different emotions tossed into it. My mom and Grandmother have not spoken to each other in about 20yrs. When family members quit talking who’s left with no choice to visit? The clueless kiddos!! How old am I? Almost 30. That’s a lot of years I’ve missed that I have no right to feel guilty over!! I saw her the night before she passed away. The only image I have in my head is her laying in bed like a zombie. It was like watching the living dead. I’ve been trying to get that image out of my head and replace it with the memories I have as her granddaughter.
I was granted time off for grieving. Just got my pay check. I could have grieved at work. That is hurting me until next pay check. I’m used to getting that night pay. You don’t get that when you get paid time off.
Stall Boi, I’m saving for an entire post. Much to expound on.
A friend of mine had a habit of quoting the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. My insanity is my family. My Dad and I have had our fair share of fights. We’ve learned to eventually agree to disagree and I know I’ll talk to him again tomorrow. Yet, with the Mom, two brothers and a sister…? I feel shards of glass digging into the souls of my feet with each step.
Catch my drift? We all have this amazing switch for the cold shoulder. It’s fucking icy!! Basically, you’re disposable!
I birthed you. Ya done pissed me off. Disowned! And the behavior has trickled to each one of us. I’m trying my damnedest not to do this anymore! It’s immature and unhealthy. We’re humans and are going to fuck up! How is one to know when they’ve done wrong unless you talk it out? Now, I see how one is looking for every little reason to shut another out with this behavior.
I made a comment about my sister’s friend. She was going on with some guessing game, “Who’s the homo from high school?”
This is such a stupid move for several reasons! How long has it been since you’ve graduated?? Are you still that dumb ass gossiping about Ashley fucking/smoking/snorting/puking with Tiffany in the Girl’s Room? Is your hetero, soccer mom life that dull??
Yea. I’ll pull the homo card! You’re a buffoon!! Guessing the homo is really your high school reunion past time?? Really? That seems so boring to me. Granted we do it too. However, the delivery is a bit different. We’re relieved that we weren’t as alone as we thought!! There was another dyke at my school?? Ugh! Where was she hiding?? Away from everyone, same as you! When straight people do this it’s like some inside secret from Hollywood! WTF?
My sister took the comment entirely wrong. Thinking it was about her. I tried to explain that it wasn’t her. It was her ignorant gossiping friend. The only who caught on to this scenario was my youngest brother. The baby of the family gets it! Go figure!
Next up! V.V. is going to try to quit smoking….again!!! UGH!!! I wake up every morning with my chest hurting. I hear the wheezing when I breathe sometimes. And hell! If my Dad can do it after so many years at two packs a day? Why can’t I? I’ve done the patch, cold turkey and the ECig. They’re expensive, stinky little fuckers..yet feel so good. Yes. I haven’t had one this morning. Didn’t smoke all day yesterday until a little after midnight. The straw wasn’t working.
It’s mostly the oral fixation and habit that is getting to me right now. Each time I was relieved for break my body would tense. My teeth were clenching all day yesterday!! I swear I looked like a fucking drug addict at work!!
I smoked last night. I might do so again with this last one in my pack. I’m waiting until I absolutely can’t take anymore. Holding out all day like that was tough!!! Thankfully, I have this amazing friend who has done the same thing. She gets it. I’ve never had a friend by my side who understood any other time I’ve tried this.