When I was a little girl. Hmm..that’s not quite right.
When I was little and would get into trouble…No. Uh. I was a bit older when this consequence began.
When I was old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. There was a sweet little consequence in my household that resulted into the wonderful complex creature that types before you today.
The Silent Treatment.
Where most people would rather someone shut their mouths and enjoy the silence. It’s actually an extreme opposite for me.
“It’s quiet. Yea. A little too quiet.”
Typically not a good thing.
If I fucked up as a preteen or teenager I would get the silent treatment. No. I had no clue what I did wrong. I’d play the scenario over and over in my head until I found something. Anything that I could have said or done wrong to make our Mom treat me like I didn’t even exist. Some may know this as the cold shoulder. Whatever term you’re accustomed to..it’s not cool. And it’s incredibly unhealthy.
After who knows how many days. I’d finally figure out what I could have possibly done wrong and confess to her my apology.
“Mom. I’m sorry.” I’d sneak in.
“For?” She’d say coldly.
“Um..for etc.” And tears. Because I really wasn’t sure what I had done to make her not talk to me. To act as though I, her child, wasn’t there.
“Well, that’s not it. But, that bothered me too.” She’d say.
“Will you talk to me now?” I’d ask.
And off I’d go back to my room to figure out what else did I do wrong! It’s a total mind fuck!
I’ve been to therapy. They told me that you should pick your battles and if you need a break before indulging in whatever upset you. Then you should do so. I do that now. I’ll light a smoke and come back to a situation. I didn’t realize that the effects of the silent treatment still fuck with me after all these years of becoming an adult. Where I’m constantly trying to open up.
I feel like that kid that fucked up somewhere in the conversation and should sit there until I figure out what I did wrong. Playing everything over and over in my head. I know I did something! I know I had to have done something to make them not wanna talk to me.
If I still haven’t figured it out and they start talking to me? Then yes. I’m at a loss. What are you talking to me for? I haven’t apologized? I haven’t said what I did wrong yet? Haven’t figured it out? It is a genuine curiosity.
I’m thoroughly confused! Not only confused that one is talking to me again. But, confused as to why I’m in that childlike place again. I don’t like it.