A Femme Friend

I have a lot of butch friends. And while I adore them all! It gets a bit rough sometimes being just a friend. Bois know what I’m talking about. Y’all go through it all the time! You’re good friends with this really hot femme and you want more. You’re scared to ask for more because you’re such good friends. And there’s always room for rejection.

Rejection isn’t my fear. You can want me or not. It’s all good. My fear is ruining a good bond I have with a boi. That’s my intro. Not the actual post.

I don’t really have any set ideal butch friend that I want to be with. However, I get a little torn up inside when they ask me questions about their dating experiences with these other girls. Some of them have children or are wanting children and they talk to me about this stuff. I laugh at the stories about their children. Or *sigh* at them wanting a kid. Then it tears me up when they ask me if I ever want kids.

Um…I had my kid. I don’t see another one in my future. I don’t even see marriage in my future.

Don’t ask me this shit! We’re talking about you! Stay focused!

I do enjoy the perks of being friends with butches. I learn more about each one and none are ever the same. I love the butch gender. I try to read everything I can that’s out there! But, to be friends with them on a personal level is quite endearing to me. As you all know I have such a special place in my heart for butches. They are a breed like no other!

While, I don’t feel like I can be in a relationship right now. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it. Nor does it mean that I don’t want one. One day. So, when a boi asks me relationship questions. Like what I’m looking for, kids, marriage or places to live.

It kind of stings. I’ve had all of that. The Hubby, kid, dog and house hunting. Making the place a home. Good mornings and getting ready for work. Cooking, cleaning and finding a date night night somewhere. Trust me…it’s not easy. Some days were better than others. Sure. Might have been the wrong butch for me. I’ll go with that. Considering she’s suddenly changed her ways for her new wife. Doing exactly what I told her that bothered me.

Funny how that happens. I’ll expound on that later.

I know that I come off a certain way. I know that there are probably butches out there that want more than a friendship right now. Well, I’m sorry. I really am.

As much as I don’t like my position as a Femme Friend. I know that I’m not ready for love yet. So, I’m not gunna lead one on to think they have a chance right now. I’m in quite the predicament at this point in my life, huh?

That’s why Boss and I do what we do. Well, that’s why I do what I do with Boss. Not too clear where she stands on it. But, I know that for me…she’s safe. She doesn’t want a relationship and I know that I can’t have one right now. We hang out as friends and have a one night stand with each other here and there. Nothing to worry about the next day.

Except that I feel a little unfilled in the emotional sense. I’m craving a deeper sexual encounter. With that comes a deeper relationship than friends. So, even for this little nympho…sex isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be for me right now.

A friend of mine was showing me houses the other night. One of my most favorite pass times is looking at houses and thinking about all the wonderful things to do with it to make it “mine” or one day “ours.” That’s either my Cancer side or the mother I grew up with watching home decorating shows with on PBS.

Cancers are about the home. If we don’t feel at home. If we don’t have a place to call home. It kinda fucks our world up. There was a gorgeous house presented to me online that I kept calling a baby making home. It was beautiful! Expensive as fuck. But so beautiful. Windows everywhere!! I could wake in the morning with my coffee in this gorgeous kitchen!! Windows all across the kitchen and dinning room. A mother could watch their children play outside all day! Because I’ve experienced living with a kid. I can see one chatting with me in the kitchen as I cook. I saw the whole gig.

It made me sick. Not sick like, “Oh fuck that!” Sick like…missing something that’s been missing. That something I’ve decided to push down and hide away so that I can get on with my life without it. I’ve mentioned quite a few times that getting over the Ex-Hubby wasn’t that difficult. It was the step-son and family part that was difficult.

That’s the part that still hurts. So, yea, when kids are brought up…it kinda hurts. I can see your kid’s smile and hear their laugh when you talk about them. I can picture the sounds, faces, early morning rises in the home. I visualize and feel it all.

When a butch shows pictures of houses? Asks me what I think. I remember house hunting with Ex-Hubby and finding our miracle home. Going there with “our” boys and how much they loved it. Her grandmother loving the place that we chose. Cooking in the kitchen. Those are the things I’ve pushed away. Those things hurt. Still.

Yes. This is me bitching about something that I can’t do anything about just yet. More inside of my head you all are. Not a lot know that I want more right now. I just can’t yet. I believe that if I still feel the stings, pings, or pains from the past…then I’m not strong enough for the future.

My butch is out there. My one and only butch. The one that will fulfill all my needs and wants. I’m just not ready for her yet. When I am I will let her know. If it’s too late? Then it’s not meant to be.

I will keep on being the friend. Smile on my face. Secret torture inside. It does keep me positive, though. Remind that there are some bois out there looking for The One. Not the one night. So, that’s promising and keeps a little light of hope for me.

For that…I thank my butch friends. You’re all doing me a favor. Keeping me a little hopeful where I don’t see it.