P.M.D.D. I Hate You

depressed woman

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

This shit sucks. I knew my period was on it’s way. However, I wasn’t expecting an episode this month. I haven’t experienced one in a really long time. Not too sure what’s bringing it on right now. Other than my sleeping schedule has changed for class and I had to switch my medicine from night shift to day shift.

All I wanna do is lay in bed and cry. Just sit in this funk of mine. My back has been killing me and I haven’t worked out. Nor have I wanted to. I have an appointment with my trainer tomorrow after work. I just wanna dodge it and go back to my dark room to lay in bed.

I feel like I shouldn’t share what’s all going on with these moods until I tell a friend first. The purpose of this blog is for me to learn vulnerability.

Have you any clue how terrifying that is for some of us??

My most common phrase is that I can tell you about anything going on in my life, but not what’s in my head or what my heart says. I’d rather push those things aside. Life is easy to talk about. It’s everything underneath it that gets complicated.

Just typing this I am holding back tears. The thing is…why share? I honestly do not see the point in it! I share and it is all too common that everyone will have their own interpretation about my fucking feelings!

Why waste my fucking breath?

Why waste the courage and energy and guts to unleash everything? What good does it really do? Really?

Who does it actually help? Does it help me? Seriously? Because it’s been my experience that the ones I share these things with tend to get some sort of pride from knowing this weakness of mine. While I’m still stuck in this darkness just waiting to be held. Instead…I’m usually left there.

That’s fine. It’s how I’m used to dealing with this shit. So much that I’d rather it stay this way.

Don’t fucking touch me! Don’t fucking talk to me! Don’t try to fix me!

I got this! I’ll find the big girl panties and pull ’em up again, all right! I’ve been alive for 29 friggin’ years. I think by know I how to deal with my own crap. I’m not falling into this fantasy world that anyone really gives a shit. Why should I?

Dealt with my parent’s divorce with no help. Hate mail, name calling, fights all on my own. Being called nothing and a slut. Accused of cheating when I was innocent. Rape, molestation…yea. No therapist. No support group or any of that shit. Why should I start now?

Fuck you. I love you…just don’t fucking touch me right now.

Like a stray cat in the dark with a broken paw…

If that makes any sense. *Shrug* I think that statement is pretty damn clear…but..I’ve been misunderstood a million times over.

Fuck It!

Stop trying to understand me. Stop trying to “get” me. I’ll fuck your world up. Bad news. I don’t get called a bitch for nothing. Trust me…it’s not worth it. I’m not this wonderful and beautiful person y’all seem to think I am. I have my stories. The bad things I’ve done..and you still think this way of me??

This is why V.V. doesn’t want to date anyone. This! This crap that is me on who knows which menstrual cycle! It’s bullshit! The only thing I can do is wait it the fuck out. There’s no fucking counseling session. There’s probably no subconscious thought at all. It’s just these few days of nothingness. Sadness. Depression. Tons of sleep and drowsiness. Thank God for work..I’d still be at home. In my pj’s without a fuckin’ shower for a third day.

Yea..how sexy am I now?

8 thoughts on “P.M.D.D. I Hate You

  1. Hey lookie i figured out how to do it ROFL. Told ya i was retarded. I’m glad your feeling better today. 🙂 You could tell me to fuck off and i would make you laugh instead 🙂 ❤

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  2. Just fucking wow…and I thought I was going nuts all alone…welcome to the club…oh wait, I may be a tad too old for the PMDD shit, but I have all the rest of the depression and crap sometimes…and it sucks. Hang in there Babe, you got a lot more to say I am sure.

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  3. Pingback: I want my heater! | melanie's blog

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