I’ve slacked a few days on my PMDD medicine. Well, I could dish out a million different excuses and I’m sure to find a rebuttal to those excuses! And here you have a glimpse into my PMDD. I’m a mess of a million thoughts.
I hate being co-dependent on medicine! Sure, smoking is being co-dependent. I fear meds given by doctors. That sounds crazy doesn’t it?
However, I fear me more so without my medicine. Along with a few days without said meds a funky sleeping schedule and the rag on it’s bloody fuckin’ way!
Still wondering why the fuck a dyke should be having periods!?!?!?
*Shakes fists* Why? God! Why?
I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely the last several days. But, I wanna be alone. I’m afraid that if I actually start saying the things that are literally going through my mind I’ll burst into tears. So. You lovely readers on the internet have the pleasure of hearing the vulnerability that is this little space of mine!!
I do, really, apologize in advance! Trust me! I don’t like it one bit either! Yes. My meds are waiting for me at the pharmacy! I just need to be awake if not working to pick them up.
*Grinding teeth smile*
Needless to say, I feel a bit unpredictable. I’m having to catch myself when certain emotions wanna pop up. Well..some have gotten the brunt of it.
The thing is..it’s not like I don’t mean to say certain things. Just the way I say them is all wrong! I was feeling claustrophobic! However, I’m sure there was a better way to handle that conversation rather than getting upset and saying, “I’m not your fucking girlfriend.”
Well texting. But, the message was clear.
And then with Boss. Fuck she’s fucking me up! Damn her drunk missing me bullshit! Then when she’s sober it’s a totally different story. Again the damn conversation about us came up!!! I, being the terrified, committmentphobe that I am right now. Was quick to admitting that she fucks my world up and that I’ve been liking her. She was shocked.
UGH! Seriously?!?! Here I thought I was so damn obvious!! Butches are quite oblivious, aren’t they? Especially Leo’s! They’re so damn wrapped up in their own world.The same could probably be said about me right now. I know! Joys of mine and Boss’ relationship. Always bounce right back where we left off…right after whatever failed relationship before. Whatever! I cried at the fuckin’ bar while having this conversation. We’re both so damn guarded! I can’t fucking cry in front of her while talking about us!!!!
Stupid! Stupid woman!
Had amazing sex later. The best we’ve ever had together. Wanting more! Like. A lot more! The next morning. And the next day. Figured I shouldn’t push my luck. Right?
Anyway. I figure after a few times of her claiming to miss me and fucking up her world. When talking about her plans this weekend. I thought it was safe to say that it wont be the same without me!!
Nope. Shot down. So, my non-medicated ass went into a whirlwind of what the fucks? And what the hell did I do wrong? Shit! I’m certain I scared her off!
While on my meds I’d know better than to stay all wet the next day! I’d know better than to say what I said about this coming weekend. I’d know not to have my head spinning because I know that this butch is going to break my fucking heart into a million little pieces!
So! What the fuck am I doing? Being a typical femme drawn to an attractive, stable butch. A smart, funny, very handsome butch! Laid back and works hard butch! Following the same ol’ “Yes, Dear. I’ll never be perfect enough for you, Dear.” path as I did before. Because why? Because my fucking emotions are screaming that I’m fucking lonely right now!
I want my damn meds! Even if it means no sleep before work! Call it co-dependent! I don’t give a fuck! I want my damn meds! Can we at least be proud that I’m not on the full dosage!! Since the divorce I only take half! Trust me! I’m awesome that way! Ugh! And the crazy dreams that have taken over my subconscious! Grrrarrrg!! I wanna be held but I don’t wanna talk. I wanna be told all sorts of stupid, mushy crap. But, I wont believe a word of it. See how crazy this shit is?!?! I wanna cry and hide in my room. Snuggled up in bed all day. Confused if I want a strong butch shoulder to rest my head on. A cock to slip inside me. Or just leave the room entirely! And no! No thought stays still enough for me to lay it out and tell anyone what I want right now. I’m not even sure why I feel so fucking lonely to begin with!
<Bang Head Here>