I haven’t exactly been a born again Christian for that long. However, I’d like to remain agnostic. Forgive me folks, as I’m getting older…and perhaps a bit more self fish in thinking about myself and self awareness. I think I might be giving a middle finger to the sky. These things that I’ve been overcoming since the divorce…I did it. People helped me. I’ve been going through this searching for God and craving His presence. I got nothing. I don’t even feel IT in my heart. Nothing. A friend can suggest church to me…ultimately...I have no desire to go.
I don’t blame Him…it’s His damn people. Those same people that make you feel guilty for not attending church at every service. Same people that look at YOU funny for not chanting in some foreign language. Or not singing along. I don’t know the words. I can’t see the screen. I have the worst singing voice. And again…I DON’T FEEL IT!
Call me stubborn and that I’m angry at God. I’m not angry at Him. I’m angry at His people. They’re soooo fucking stupid. I’m fucking tired of arguing with some dip shit, self-righteous FUCK who thinks they know God’s plan down to the last verse and period. I thought He was the all seeing and mysterious Lord our God!??!?! So shut the fuck up! Why the fuck is everyone fighting about every stupid little thing that’s in this fat book?? What makes THIS book the all powerful one? Find another spiritual literature and nobody is really arguing the points from those books!
And y’all wonder? Y’all seriously wonder the general public wants nothing to do with the faith? Y’all wonder? Are confused as shit because I’m not jumping for joy about going to another church. Gay or straight…I’m not interested!
It’s been a month since my last praise and worship time in my room. Maybe, I feel that. That fills my soul up waaay more than some pious bastard standing at pulpit telling me the same shit every Sunday…or spitting out their one agenda into my pretty little head.
Last time I attended church…I literally walked out. Walked out in the middle of service! Alone! I’ve had a few friends suggest my going to their church. I don’t folks…I just don’t have the patience to even try anymore. My patience and tolerance for stupidity..it’s just dwindling.
Obviously that’s not just in this religious aspect of my life. It clearly is meant for all areas of my life.
I just don’t have it in me anymore to try to understand where anyone is coming from. Put myself in their dirty old shoes. Have concern. Call me fucking self fish!
Every time I’ve put myself out there to try to understand some asshole’s way of thinking they’re able to twist it around like I had some sort of ulterior motive!
Fuck ’em! Fuck ’em all!