Open Relationships May be the Way to Go

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There are so  many times I say this to a butch and for some reason they all seem to think that I just need to find the right butch.

What if it has nothing to do with finding the right butch. There was a time in my life where I thought that I did find the right butch. We all know how that turned out. I thought I was happy. That it was absolutely ridiculous that I wasn’t happy with my life with her. I loved her and would do anything for her. I was also terribly miserable…and the nastiness kept getting muggy. Dark.

I thought that was because I was a housewife. Yet, I wasn’t all that happy being in a relationship and working while her and I were together.

I think I just don’t like relationships. Growing up, I never envisioned falling in love and living with my lover and playing house. I always fantasized about having my own apartment and kicking ass at my job. Maybe, some writing on the side. A lover was never in the picture.

What little girl grows up not ever picturing settling down with a partner?? Me!

I guess, I should share my reasons. Bottom line..I don’t want to have to tell anyone where I am and who I’m with every second of the day. I don’t want to have to tell you who I’m talking to. I don’t wanna tell you that some friend that I’ve fucked is meeting me for coffee. Forming an opinion of mine and my friend’s relationship and allowing yourself to get worked up over nothing. I don’t wanna have to answer for every kiss that felt natural to me…and expected to feel bad about it.

I’ve done that already. I’m not built for marriage. It has nothing to do with finding the right butch. It involves knowing me and who I am.

I’ve been collared and in a long distance relationship for a little over a month now. I’ve broken the rule of trust for a relationship and kissed someone. One whom I’ve been attracted to for years, but know I could never be in a relationship with. She drives me crazy…Leo’s. I don’t trust her. So, why bother with anything more than physical. Other than we have a great friendship of shootin’ the shit over a few beers. Good times. Always!

I didn’t feel bad for kissing her. I felt bad for making my girlfriend of five states away hurt. That felt bad. However, the act…I wasn’t sorry.

I’ve been sorry for this sort of thing before…when I was married. Now, my give a damn to feel bad about what comes natural to me…well it’s busted. This is not to say that I wanna run around town fucking and cumming over any random butch’s cock. This friend I kissed, I’ve known her for years. Nothing random. And I honestly never know when she’s gunna be cuddly with me. Let alone kiss me. And when she does…I can’t fucking resist it.

I had the discussion with my girlfriend about us possibly having an open relationship. To my surprise she didn’t seem to have much of a problem with the idea. I told her that this would go on at least until we’ve seen each other or she’s moved to Texas. Which we have every intention of doing. *sigh* patience..I have none!

Here’s the catch…I have to ask for permission. Interesting? Yes, I think so. What is soooo incredible about her is that our communication is phenomenal! Amazing! And this is probably why I am able to get pass the fact that she is not the typical hard-core stone butch that I typically go for. She’s incredibly sexy!! Just not what I normally go for.

The question that has gone through my mind is this. Are we taking a step back? Or are we actually moving forward by choosing to have an open relationship? We both think it is another step forward because it takes an extreme amount of trust and communication to pursue an open relationship. And that’s how solid we are. I kissed this butch and I told her the next day. We talked it out. Things I want and don’t want in a relationship. One major thing, is being forced to feel bad about shit I wanted to do.

Call it self fish. But is it really? When I tell her she can do the exact same thing? I just want numbers and regular STD screenings.

I’ve pondered the idea of an open relationship. Now, I think I want to explore it. Or need to? Is this a need for me? For us? I think we’re just as sick and twisted and honest or uninhibited that this could work?

Fucked up ain’t it?!!?

52 thoughts on “Open Relationships May be the Way to Go”

  1. Not in the least. Honestly, I was my happiest when I was collared and in an open relationship. The only requirement. I had to ask permission first and I had to be honest about what happened. Not details, just honesty. Unfortunately it is SO rare in society to find other people who are willing to love openly. So we tend to settle for that one person, because they are the ones who sweep us off our feet. Yet we still catch that butch out of the corner of our eye and think… Damn.. .if only… Your not alone my twisted sister…. :-*

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    • Random Wickedness- I love ya, Chick! I really friggin’ do!! I don’t mind having to ask permission because I’m collared..now collared 24/7. If I’m out and I’m attracted to a butch…they are my weakness. I can ask for permission. I don’t think we want to give details. Just letting each other know that we’ve done the “deed.” That’s not a problem for me. It’s sexual. If I do have sex. I have the ability to cut off the emotions for a fuck. I can remain loyal and loving to my girlfriend. That’s what we’re finding out day by day that goes by! I LOVE THAT!
      She’s pretty fuckin’ twisted!! We’re all one big twisted family!! LOL!

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  2. It is a myth that love, sex and attraction is bounty less, the more it grows, the more is grows. The trust and depth that comes from operating under an open relationship agreement is the deepest you can feel. Good luck, and happy lovin’

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  3. In my trying attempt to keep people’s names out of my blog while without their permission. I’ll be uploading some comments from Facebook. Names will be left out. As well as links and pictures. Only words. I think these people commenting are offering valid points. And I will expound upon them later. Or Romeo de Sade might if she has the time. Either way, my point will get across after I have posted everyone elses. 😉

    FB COMMENT- After 12 years of monogamy I found my kink. I sat down with her and we talked about having an open relationship. We both read Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s book The Ethical Slut and we talked about it for about a year. Yes. A year. I try to make no huge decisions without waiting a year, to season the feelings, pun intended. I am poly. She is not. I have had several lovers/playpartners/Daddies/bois. This coming May will be our 24th Anniversary. I have been with my boi for 5.5 years. To me an open relationship is not about fucking whomever I want, whenever I want, it is about building lasting, loving, hot, intimate relationships. So, unlike her not wanting people to know her, or her activities, I celebrate my joyful relationships.

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  4. FB COMMENT #2- I have been in a poly before and it was a very honest relationship. I on the other hand am pure monogamous. I am probably the only person who was monogamous in a poly relationship. I didn’t mind her being with her boi’s it was different with them. But me…….look I found out a long time ago iit is hard enough keeping up with one femme the way you should much less adding more…..

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  6. FB COMMENT#4- I think open/poly relationships are wonderful – if both parties are in absolute agreement with them. The only issue I see happening in these relationships — ONE must be the Primary and what happens if that shifts. My partner was Poly (Dominant) when we first met, and I loved this aspect of her. I loved the fact, I would not have to be her everything.. I am not speaking sexually – but all of the other aspects. People asked if it bothered me she was having sexual relationships with other women… For me NO! First of all, these were her submissive’s and not me. Their dynamic was much different, than our dynamic. If anything, I think it added to our relationship. When she decided she wanted a monogamous relationship with me, I freaked out and thought… OMG, now I have to be her EVERYTHING! I liked the fact she had others (submissive’s) — As far as I am concerned… I can only sleep with one person at a time — I have never been good at balancing! (I would have posted on your blog – but I am not good at reading directions)

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  7. FB COMMENT #5- (to FB COMMENT #4) – well said. There is one time that I seriously considered an open relationship but my insecurity wouldn’t let me go there. We were already having issues so I think opening up our relationship would have expedited the demise. One thing that life has taught me is to never say never…

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  9. FB COMMENT #6- Yes, I’m polyamorous! I have a primary partner and a lover and will go on non-serious dates with new people occasionally. Open, honest communication is always the way to go, and is THE difference between poly/open relationships and cheating. I don’t think everyone is built to be in open relationships, but when you are, you really feel as though something is just not.. quite.. with all your past relationships until finally you stumble upon the idea of polyamory and it just *clicks*. My logic is, no one person can fulfill all of my needs, so I seek multiple partners to get more of my needs met – and my partners seek other partners in turn for their own needs. Greedy? Maybe, if knowing what is best for my well-being and going after it without shame is greedy. But I am definitely happier, as are my partners. And THAT is never a bad thing.

    Annnd sorry for the novel! Sheesh, self.

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  11. Romeo de Sade- to clarify here, we have no intention of engaging in relationships with other people…….the openness refers purely to physical, non-emotional contact with others, and may not even take place for either of us, nor is having an open relationship necessarily going to be permanent. We have also set certain boundaries, such as disclosing nothing more than how many, if any, and keeping any flirting(that has intentions) off of fb.

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  12. JMJ- I’m very monogamous. I don’t have anything against poly folks or relationships that are open. Just isn’t for me. I DID date someone who was in a relationship that was open and I knew that it was going to be a short term thing. It was okay with me at the time. We talked, we had intimacy and dinners together. It was nice. There was no pressure at all for more and at the time, that was what I wanted and needed. Now, I’m building something with someone that I hope will be my partner for many years. It remains to be seen…but then, none of us knows what the future holds, do we?

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  14. DIH- I find it always interesting that for some reason poly means not intimate…or that it doesn’t build. I love all the “I” statements about beliefe systems, thank you. “You” statements usually abound in this discussion and more people criticize or say that it does not or will not or could not or horror not me with a wee bit of judgement that monogamy is better, deeper, stronger than poly. We all know that is not true. Myths abound in poly relationships. And to me, at least, I do not see dating more than one person as poly…poly comes after the dating and is a conscious choice to have loving relationships with more than one person. To me, non monogamy is about being in one relationship and having lovers on the side with no commitment.

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  15. DD- @DIH, I am non-monogamous. I find that the depth of love is tied to my primary and to our Daddy/wife dynamic. I do however love many people on many different levels. I find myself able to express my sexuality, my desires, my passion (having a very layered desire) with different people as I experience differently with each person. I too hear the tinge of judgement and evaluation in the “no, not me” answers. The bravery and self awareness that is required for any alternative type relationships whether Poly, Open, Non-Mono, Swinging, etc. is incredible and personally I have learned more things about myself and my ability to love unconditionally and openly that I would never have been able to love had I not allowed myself to take the chance and learn how well I am loved.

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  16. KB- I think it’s an extraordinary level of self awareness, different layers of love and affection if you can share that with multiple partners. If that’s how folks roll, and nobody’s getting their feelers hurt – YAY for them!! I like and love many people on a sliding scale of levels (including friends…some more than others, right?!) However, when it comes to sex and physical intimacy…there’s only one at a time for me! If I’m sleeping with you, I’m committed to only you and expect the same in return.

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  17. DIH- For most people it works for them by ending one relationship and starting another. Serial monogamy. One relationship after another, sometimes having someone lined up to replace the last one before the next one has started. A few nights ago my friend Bubblin and had a discussion of how many break ups we have seen in our friends and acquaintances over the last 24 years of my relationship and the 10 years of hers. Two women alone over the those have had 24 relationships in the last 12 years. We were way over 200 in a flash. I could not even count the number of serial monogamists I know, or the people I know who had someone else in the wings as they were breaking up with the last. My point being how we do intimacy and commitment is not related to your being poly, monogamous or serial monogamy, it is knowing yourself, being honest with yourself and your partner(s), and accepting the diversity of relationships in our community.

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  19. DD- Possessiveness will suffocate a relationship. The best way to make yourself miserable is to compare yourself to another human being — the cause of jealousy, envy and possessiveness is measuring your worth against the worth of another. Everyone counts and everyone has a validity in relationships.

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  23. KB- Personally, I think it’s cowardly and a severe lack of good communication skills, if you don’t have the balls to break up with someone before another is in the wings. ~shrug~ If it’s over, have an honest talk about your feelings, be alone with yourself for a minute, then date again! Just because I prefer monogamy, doesn’t make me a “serial monogamist” – I don’t think. There was 1.5 yrs between my Ex and current GF….and after my 8yr relationship, I took myself off the market for almost 3 yrs…just trying to learn the lesson. Thinking outside of the box, if I WAS to explore several sexual partners at a time…I think some insecurities about myself would creep in. If She was with another Butch, my confidence in “us” may start to wain and my swagger may deflate a bit wondering if Hy is satisfying Her better than I do. I don’t know… Interesting topic.

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  24. DD- What if she’s satisfied with both you and “hy”, what if it’s agreed upon that with the other butch it’s about a different part of her sexuality. Not all butch/femme relationships are about the butch satisfying the femme. No all femmes are bottoms and receivers always. Some relationships between butches and femmes are about energy exchange, power exchange. It can be about service, about worship. Again, comparing (as we’ve been conditioned to do in life) is detrimental to our self esteem. I’ve been lucky enough to feel deep comperssion in my relationship. I’ve been lucky enough to see my true love enjoy affection, service and seduction from another woman and I sat back and thought, How lucky I am that this person, in all her hotness and beauty is my butch!

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  25. GU- Comes down to differences in people. Some people consider sex or intimacy something that they only share with one person. Some people can share it with more than one person. Some peoples favorite color is blue..that is mine…and some peoples favorite color is red. Do not judge another should they be happy and be grateful.

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  27. KB- Hmm… sounds like a 3-some I once had! ~smile~ I hear what you’re saying, Desire…and you know I respect you immensely. I’m thrilled that you’re happy and you have a working relationship that seems to have everyone in it very satisfied. ~still thinking on this whole poly / open relationship thing~ OKAY – just playing devil’s advocate here…. Could it be said that folks in a poly / open relationship have a fear of commitment and it’s used as a definition to just have as many sexual partners as they want?!? ~covering head waiting for darts to start flying~

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  29. I think my blog is a bit misconstrued. I’m not referring to poly where there are relationships involved. This is purely sexual..and open relationship. I am devoting my heart to my girlfriend…but we’re of the same mentality when it comes to sex…hope this makes sense. However, I do enjoy everyone’s responses. 😉

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  30. DD- I would say that people in Poly relationships have an intense love of commitment. I’m committed to my primary for 13 years, she’s committed to her submissive for 4 years, and I may or may not be committed to a butch boi if I find one for as long as that works for me, not because I’m poly or not poly, but simply because that relationship works or doesn’t work.

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  33. DD- Commitment is not mutually exclusive to two people. I am committed to my job, I am committed to my children, I am committed to community building and to friends, I am a very intense and very committed person. I am fiercely committed to my partner, nothing in this world would come between us — but I am also committed to allowing myself to experience different things in life, and some of those include sex with people I am attracted to. All open, honest, transparent and caring!

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  34. KB- I see what you’re saying, DD. I was just typing that “I guess what’s confusing me, is the “commitment” part.” For me, if I’m sleeping with you, that’s the highest level of commitment I can show. Giving my body, you giving yours to me, spiritually connecting… that’s “commitment” in a relatishionship… I guess. ~shrug~ This one certainly has me thinking…

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  37. DD- I totally understand what you mean KB, I used to think that way myself. I am not sure if it’s possible to explain and the language I used to have was very much limited to monogamy. I know we all feel attractions and sexual energy from other people outside of our relationship. I know that we flirt and joke, but on a different day, in a different situation, the flirting and joking can lead to something else. In my relationship taking that elsewhere, experiencing it, does not mean I have to end my relationship or that my relationship isn’t strong, or good, or positive or intense, my partner and I would die for one another….that’s how deeply intense and spiritual our love is. Yet I love to watch her fuck another woman and I love to play with butch sub bois…..It works for us.

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  38. For me commitment isn’t about sex. Sure that may be a part of it to some extent. But I know that making love to my girlfriend opposed to someone else would be entirely different.
    Commitment is sharing our household together, our feeling with each other, dates, dinner and movies, special times together with special memories. Sex is just…sex for me.
    Guess I was just built differently

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  42. DD- However, (to be devil’s advocate) I thing conversations are awesome, how else do we learn of different ways to be, to love, to share, to grow?

    JMJ- KB, you and I are alike. I get emotionally involved and couldn’t be in an open relationship. We’re all just different. 🙂

    GU- Exactly, we learn from each other that can open up another viewpoint. I do believe people are innately who they are.

    KB- Let me clarify… I guess I’m feeling that way because I’m seeing a common thread of ‘used to think that way’… so, just feeling a little archaic in my thoughts on relationships. I’m good with myself though and I know what I like and what works for me. ~shrug~ It’s all good.

    DD- I hear you JMJ, I’m not different. I get emotionally involved and feel that power of my heart and my desire. I like vanilla ice cream and every once in a while I devour a tub of cookies and cream…..my vanilla ice cream is still delicious and totally satisfying and I always have some in my fridge 😉

    DIH- 24 years is a big commitment. Anything over 5 years is a big commitment. I really don’t do short term well. I look for committed poly relationship people.

    Well, really…lol I don’t look at all anymore. I am very happy where I am.

    DD- honestly DIH, your relationships are worthy of praise and revere. the ability, not just to love, but to have more then one person feel the love you give is awe inspiring.

    DIH- I don’t want to, also, give the impression that it is always easy but after so many years, it is not so hard, either.

    GU- Honesty, I think that anyone that can maintain a healthy loving long term relationship in any form that it takes is a beautiful thing.

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  43. KB- Why do you rank your lovers? I mean, is it like a tool box that you go to for whatever your desire is at the moment?? Like, if you need a screw tightened (no pun intended), you go for the screwdriver… if it’s a nail, you go for the hammer, etc.. I’m sincerely trying to understand this and not trying to be disrespectful, as y’all know that’s not my way. ~sincerely~ I liked the ice cream analogy!

    DD- Agreed,DIH, I the point you and I are making is that it is valid, rich, committed, cathartic, and deep. Just like committed monogamous relationships can be.

    KB- But… you don’t think monogamous relationships work or last as long, correct?

    DIH- I don’t rank my lovers at all. I do not do the Primary, etc etc etc, I agree, KB. And no, it is not like a tool box in anyway or form for me. That sounds cold and heartless for me.

    KB- I guess I’m selfish and just want to be the entire tool box… belt and boots included!! 🙂

    DIH- Some do and some don’t. This is what bothers me…why do we compare them at all. Some last, some don’t. Some are two days, some are 50 years. Some are with one person, some are with two, some are more.

    DD- I do think they work, I do think they last long. I don’t rank lovers and I don’t think poly people rank them like tools. That is heartless and cold. I think poly people prioritize and balance their life to include the needs of the people they love. That is the key….accounting and making room for everyone’s needs.

    DIH- It is not selfish, it is inner driven. My point is that calling my relationships tool box toys that I take out when I need them is hurtful to me….to us all.

    DIH- I respect that you are wired for monogamy whether by societal pressure, religious belief or inner motivation. I get to have the same respect for being wired for poly.

    KB- I apologize for my poor analogy. As I said, I wasn’t trying to be hurtful… just inquiring trying to understand multiple partners idea a little more

    DD-KB, the way you seek sought understanding is the way most of the world sees poly folks. It is a fight we fight all the time and one that we continue to fight.

    KB- DIH, the only reason I mentioned comparing monogamous relationships vs poly / open ones, was because you mentioned way above the failure rate of monogamous relationships. ~shrug~ No big deal…

    GU- I think it is in understanding the dynamics in both worlds although we are all of the same. All relationships are different because the people involved are different. Some last some do not and no one way is correct or right.

    DD- it is the same way that we argue heterosexist belief that butch/femme is mirroring hetero relationship structures, the same need to acceptance that loving a person of the same gender/sex is valid and equal to other love. Love is love.

    KB- DD, I don’t want to be a part of a fight you need to defend. I’m on your side, as I said above. If it works for you – WONDERFUL!! I was just trying to inquire, play a little devil’s advocate to raise some questions that others may be thinking… and here we are! ~big smile~ I agree… love is love.

    DD- and sexuality is not mutually exclusive to love (for some people) and love does not always include sex, and BDSM is not always sexual or always includes physical pain. We are so complex, we are here to break all those molds and be the best us we can be.

    DIH- Yes, KB, my point being that all relationships ebb and flow…and that having more than one for me is not any less or more important than anything else. I did not mean that serial monogamy or monogamy are wrong or bad or selfish or (fill in the blank) but all relationships need to be respected. I am sorry if I came across that I think serial monogamy is bad…it is just another form of how we relate.

    DD- no no, not fighting….i’m just attempting to give you the prospective of someone that stood in your shoes and is now seeing it from a different vantage point….not fighting at all 🙂

    KB- ~big butch caveman hug~ LOL!

    DD- LOL……it’s all about learning, right? I’ve quite enjoyed this thread….:)

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  44. SG- I absolutely approve! I think open relationships can definitely work if both partners are on the same page and are absolutely honest with each other. Even though you’ll have rules, expect to make some mistakes. You’re both only human. Although I’m in a monogamous relationship now, I’ve been in an open one before and the thought of someone else desiring my GF was a real turn on. I know I’m wired for non monogamy but not everyone is. Enjoy!

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  45. CSK- I honestly don’t have an answer for this question. It would depend on so many factors, the greatest one being a very deep level of trust between my partner and me. It certainly would cause much soul searching and an honest emotional self-assessment. So, I simply don’t know, and won’t unless the occasion arises at some point.

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  46. I don’t think it is sick and twisted. I know who the hell you are….I think you both can be there through all of it. Your both so strong and your love is a very deep love. So, I say whatever works for you both….just remember at the end of the day the love you both share together.

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  47. I’ve noticed the word poly being used alot in the comments, and it needs to be clarified that while, yes, some open-relationships can be classified as poly, ours is not polyamorous OR polygamous……..in either poly situation, it is one partner who has multiple relationships, be it sexual or romantic. Our open relationship allows for either of us to have sexual relations outside of our partnership, if such an occasion should arise. It DOES NOT mean that either of us is actively seeking someone to have sex with……it’s more of a ”margin for error”. It’s also not necessarily a permanent arrangement…….we may, in the future, when we are not living five states away from each other, feel that there is no longer a need for our relationship to be an open one. Regardless, at the end of the day, we love each other……very much. And the openness, honesty, and communication that we share between us is amazing and what keeps us solid and able to have mature discussions with positive results.

    ~romeo de sade

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  48. Pingback: Blame It On The Juice | Vulnerable Verbiage

  49. I really don’t think so…I.always wanted an.open relationship, iam.not the topical female been there done that 2x lol iam.done filling in prisoned and questioned lol thought its was something wrong with me, my first was controlling and SHe wanted the open relationship …the fun in that?? My second was on lock down just in each others face and help take care of her kids…I fill ya sometimes its just too much, sorry girl texting with one eye shut lol messing around reading your thoughts…just filling your thoughts.. imma Sagittarius by the way

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    • Fortunately, many drunk nights have taught me how to decipher drunk texts! Not saying that YOU’RE drunk..but one eye is about the same!! 😉

      I think it’s something I could do..just not really the way I’d want to be in a relationship. This whole post got kinda out of hand because the comments were so interesting to read.

      I was in a short LDR with a boi and we figured having an open relationship would be allowing ourselves to be human. It’s near impossible to ask someone five states away to be faithful. Well..anyone as sexual as we are. I NEED physical contact!! Otherwise, it’s all one big evil tease for me!

      I’m diggin’ your comments, Ma! I feel ya on the kids…not doing that again…

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