There are so many times I say this to a butch and for some reason they all seem to think that I just need to find the right butch.
What if it has nothing to do with finding the right butch. There was a time in my life where I thought that I did find the right butch. We all know how that turned out. I thought I was happy. That it was absolutely ridiculous that I wasn’t happy with my life with her. I loved her and would do anything for her. I was also terribly miserable…and the nastiness kept getting muggy. Dark.
I thought that was because I was a housewife. Yet, I wasn’t all that happy being in a relationship and working while her and I were together.
I think I just don’t like relationships. Growing up, I never envisioned falling in love and living with my lover and playing house. I always fantasized about having my own apartment and kicking ass at my job. Maybe, some writing on the side. A lover was never in the picture.
What little girl grows up not ever picturing settling down with a partner?? Me!
I guess, I should share my reasons. Bottom line..I don’t want to have to tell anyone where I am and who I’m with every second of the day. I don’t want to have to tell you who I’m talking to. I don’t wanna tell you that some friend that I’ve fucked is meeting me for coffee. Forming an opinion of mine and my friend’s relationship and allowing yourself to get worked up over nothing. I don’t wanna have to answer for every kiss that felt natural to me…and expected to feel bad about it.
I’ve done that already. I’m not built for marriage. It has nothing to do with finding the right butch. It involves knowing me and who I am.
I’ve been collared and in a long distance relationship for a little over a month now. I’ve broken the rule of trust for a relationship and kissed someone. One whom I’ve been attracted to for years, but know I could never be in a relationship with. She drives me crazy…Leo’s. I don’t trust her. So, why bother with anything more than physical. Other than we have a great friendship of shootin’ the shit over a few beers. Good times. Always!
I didn’t feel bad for kissing her. I felt bad for making my girlfriend of five states away hurt. That felt bad. However, the act…I wasn’t sorry.
I’ve been sorry for this sort of thing before…when I was married. Now, my give a damn to feel bad about what comes natural to me…well it’s busted. This is not to say that I wanna run around town fucking and cumming over any random butch’s cock. This friend I kissed, I’ve known her for years. Nothing random. And I honestly never know when she’s gunna be cuddly with me. Let alone kiss me. And when she does…I can’t fucking resist it.
I had the discussion with my girlfriend about us possibly having an open relationship. To my surprise she didn’t seem to have much of a problem with the idea. I told her that this would go on at least until we’ve seen each other or she’s moved to Texas. Which we have every intention of doing. *sigh* patience..I have none!
Here’s the catch…I have to ask for permission. Interesting? Yes, I think so. What is soooo incredible about her is that our communication is phenomenal! Amazing! And this is probably why I am able to get pass the fact that she is not the typical hard-core stone butch that I typically go for. She’s incredibly sexy!! Just not what I normally go for.
The question that has gone through my mind is this. Are we taking a step back? Or are we actually moving forward by choosing to have an open relationship? We both think it is another step forward because it takes an extreme amount of trust and communication to pursue an open relationship. And that’s how solid we are. I kissed this butch and I told her the next day. We talked it out. Things I want and don’t want in a relationship. One major thing, is being forced to feel bad about shit I wanted to do.
Call it self fish. But is it really? When I tell her she can do the exact same thing? I just want numbers and regular STD screenings.
I’ve pondered the idea of an open relationship. Now, I think I want to explore it. Or need to? Is this a need for me? For us? I think we’re just as sick and twisted and honest or uninhibited that this could work?
Fucked up ain’t it?!!?