It’s truly amazing what happens to a person when they fall in love. Sometimes, you drive each other crazy. Or you have your mushy gushy moments. Other times, you really, seriously pull through for one another.
What do you do when your loved one is being attacked by another person? Better yet, another person who they have loved or has claimed to love them? An ex lover who is still a very close friend? Friends that are “like” family? Alas, a family member?
Typically, there are certain boundaries when caught in the crossfire of your partner and a loved one. It’s difficult to determine when it is OK to be confrontational. As lovers, it is a natural instinct to protect and defend our partner when they’re being attacked (physically, verbally, or mentally). I don’t care what your sexual orientation is or how you identify yourself. This is a natural response/reaction when you have experienced LOVE.
My personal issue is this; what is a healthy way to cope with purposefully and rightfully ignoring this natural habit?
Yes. There are situations when the absolute choice is to do nothing. For your partner’s sake, for your sake, and for the family you have created together.
I’m an old fashioned lover. I believe in standing by my partner and defending her. Even when I don’t entirely agree with something she may say or do. I discuss my thoughts about it later. While we’re alone. I will confront the attacker before fishing out a debate with my partner in front of that person!!
Above all my wifey duties, I am to support her! Of course, there may be some gray areas in my own statement. If she lead a life of crime, OBVIOUSLY, I wouldn’t encourage her!!
That’s why I call her my partner. I feel like we’re a team. Teams are suppose to be unbreakable. Support each other to win! You don’t see your home team athletes fighting with each other on the field. They might have some rough brawls in the locker room or at the bar after a game. But, never on the field in front of the opposing team. Right? If anyone has seen this happen you know it’s pretty friggin’ rare. 😛 What you usually see at a sporting event is one teammate getting in a fight with an opposing athlete and the rest of their team join in. Right! Gang members. Cops. They all back each other up in a confrontation outside of their team, gang, brotherhood. Whatever. Same goes for couples and marriage or families…usually. Ideally.
Even as children who love their family members. It’s OK for you to talk crap about your family but NOT anyone else?!?!
“Yea! My brother’s an asshole! But, only I can call him that! Got it?”
Same goes for our relationships. Same for mine! I can vent about my partner. She can vent about me. But, we don’t like hearing anyone else say bad things about either of us.
Well, that’s what it was like for me. Except, I didn’t agree with any of what was being said from this other party!! Grrr!!
I had to stand by and watch my teammate get bombarded with hateful words and the best thing for me to do was nothing. Yes, it kills me. It’s been killing me. Yes, I think it’s pointless to talk about it. I know it was in our best interest for me to just listen and watch.
We usually feel bad about the things we thought were wrong. Or what we thought was a right decision and it turned out to be wrong. How often does it happen that what you knew to be the right choice can make you feel so torn?
I remember clenching my teeth, gripping onto anything close by. Holding my head down only to allow my eyes to peer through my hair dangling in my face. A very tiny whisper, “Bitch.” that nobody heard. So quiet, I wondered if the word even fell out of my mouth. I took everything into detail. The argument, what both parties were saying. Until, finally, what one party DID. Following with my inner battle to do…nothing.
After about a week or so of remaining strong and supportive I finally broke down. I didn’t want to. After everything that had happened I figured I could at least be one less stressful event. Words slip, eyes get watery, sleep is on the back burner and you finally break down. Crack. Is the word that I can truly identify with for that time.
My butch being the weight carrier for everything in our lives told me, “It’s OK to cry.”
This is typical me. “I know it’s ok. But, I don’t want to.” Can you see a bratty little girl? That’s what I saw in my head after I said those words. I was trying to hold back tears. I was trying to stop the process!
In my mind. “Don’t you have enough to worry about?” Surely, I can hold out on the natural human process to stress a little bit longer. At least, until we get to where we need to be.
Again, trying to be a good wife. I was trying to remain strong through this whole ordeal. Let her do the venting. She did take the brute of everything. I was not the one being attacked. My logic was simple. I wasn’t being attacked, I was doing what I needed to do, and I was doing what I knew was the right thing to do…nothing.
Then, I cried to my Hubby, “I wanted to say something. Do something. I really did, X.”
To be honest, I was hoping that she would tell me that I should’ve done something. Just to reassure my own self-guilt. Isn’t that ridonkulous!?!? She agreed with my good conscience that I did a good job. She was proud of me. She knows that it is in my nature to stand up for her and myself against anyone.
That was, indeed, comforting.