Dark Tunnel

My mother. Oh gosh! Has it been psychologically evaluated yet that lesbians have a friggin’ mommy complex? I would buy that theory. I know. Stupid hetero research homos shouldn’t agree to. Sorry, folks. LOL! It’s nothing I’m serious about…just me being frustrated!

I have not been happy in the last several weeks. A few people know about it. And those that do know about it, probably know I should’ve written this instead of going to my comfy dark room! Sorry, for anyone that had to deal with that mess. Thank you, friends for your hugs, counseling, and well wishes.

I have mommy issues. STUPID right? I KNOW!!! I’m 27…damnit! 28 YEARS OLD! And the woman still gets under my skin. On several occasions, I have confessed to her how hurtful she is to me and to my beloved hubby. Ha! Wow! And even to my step-son. Sick…yes…I know! Makes me wanna vomit. The woman’s shit don’t fuckin’ stink.

ANYWAYS! Happy birthday to me, right? Well, yea…later on in the day. The first thing I woke up to was this:

“Hope you have a Happy Birthday V.V.!

—Even though I’m toxic, I  still love you and wish the best for you!”

What The HELL!?!?! No. I did not respond. All I could do was cry all morning long!! A couple of things went through my head, actually. The first, was Thank You for further proving your toxicity. And of course, my quick dose of therapy…Fight Club

“Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does  that tell you about God?”

As children we will always hold our parents on some stupid fucking pedestal like they’re perfect. No matter how much they hurt us. It is still quite disappointing to know their actions and still, STILL, STILL fucking hope for the best. Ugh!

More Fight Club…

“Marla. The little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if  only you could stop tonguing it, but you can’t.”

I wonder, should I just fucking stop? Cut her out completely? I know what an emotional hurtle that has been for me in the past. I don’t know if I want to go through that again. As I have told my therapist before…it is difficult to choose the lesser of two evils. I have made the attempt to keep my “safe” boundaries. Maybe, it is time to make another attempt at cutting her out of my life completely. Maybe, the boundaries were a subconscious stepping stone?

This shit pissed Hubby off. For one thing, my crying woke her up on a day that she had to work nights. Secondly, I was crying because of this heartless woman. We had spent a good portion of that day with Hubby having half a mind to send her a nasty email. All I could say to Hubby was…it’s been done. It’s not gunna change anything. EVERYONE has called out her bullshit! Her shit don’t stink!!

My best friend invited me out to the Astro’s game for my birthday. While I was away getting pissed off at my home team and blowing almost 8 bucks on a beer! Yea…royal ass rape! Hubby, was busily typing up her email. On my way home, this is what she reads to me:

“Since this letter was not meant to be cordial, I will skip the  pleasantries. I am writing in regards to the snarky little note you sent  V.V. on her birthday.  I am not quite sure where to begin because I  have been holding in many things for almost four years now.  However,  with V.V.’s blessing, I am now going to let it all out.   For starters  let’s just address the problem at hand.  I can understand feeling  apprehensive about a phone call due to your strained relationship and  choosing rather to send a note of birthday wishes. However instead of  being a true mother, and sending a card or letter of kind words to your  daughter on her birthday, you decided to ruin her day by leaving a  snarky, hateful comment on her Facebook page.  And you may not think it  is any of my business but YOU MADE IT my business when I awoke to hear  my partner bawling her eyes out on her birthday and subsequently had to  spend hours comforting her before I had to leave for work BECAUSE OF  YOU.  There are many things I endure in my relationship with your  daughter that stem from your histrionic, self-indulgent behavior as a  “parent”.  And it frankly pisses me off that you have the audacity to  turn your nose up at me when I should be the one to do so to you.  You  are childish, selfish, inconsiderate, mean spirited and just downright  rude.  And you raised similarly behaved children with the exception of  V.V. as was evidenced by the fact that not one of them seemed the least  bit concerned when their own father almost died of a heart attack. Way  to go “mom”.  Every day I deal with some aspect of V.V.’s pain from the  way you have outcasted her.  And then you turn around and blame her for  it simply because she has found a family that makes her feel loved and  whole and you are not the center of her life.  When really, if you  wanted the best for your daughter, you would be embracing that family  and thanking God every day that she is treated well and loved whole  heartedly.  But it isn’t about her is it?  It’s about you just like it  always has been.

But see, I know who YOU are.  You are the mom  who is so jealous and selfish that you badmouthed the only father your  children had in order to turn them against him for the rest of their  lives.  I know V.V.’s dad and while he is no perfect human being, he has a  heart and he cares about his children and asks about them every time he  talks to V.V. hoping to hear some news of them.  You robbed not only  him but also them of their father by your hatred and badmouthing of him  and used your own children for your benefit with no regard as to what  kind of people they would become.  As a divorced parent myself, I made  sure that the judge was extremely lenient on my son’s father and gave  him the minimum in child support payments so that my son would not have  to see his father go to jail due to being saddled with too much child  support.  I work a 12 hr a day rotating shift so that I – NOT HE – can  provide medical insurance on my child.  And I make sure that my son sees  his father as much as possible.  When I hear my son speaking  disrespectfully to his father and to authority I reprimand him and tell  him that I will not tolerate his disrespect of his father even though  his father is a pain in my ass and kind of a dipshit sometimes.  But WE  get along for the sake of OUR child.  Because that is what ADULTS do.  I  know where V.V.’s pain comes from because I too have an immature,  self-indulgent mother.  But at least my mother is there most of the time  to support us and even gave V.V. a birthday gift while asking her to  come up so she could enjoy V.V.’s company.  This was even after we had  not visited my mother at her home in a year.  My mother LOVES V.V.’s  company and greets her with a hug. And my mother is not happy about my  sexual orientation but she realizes that it is not under her control and  loves both of us for the good people we are even if it is against her  spiritual beliefs. You are her own mother!!  You had the BLESSING of  birthing such a wonderful woman and you just shit on that because you  can’t control her choices in life… or is it because you really would  have been happier not having had children?  Because that is V.V.’s  perception of you.  She has told me on more than one occasion that you  were not the one who wanted children but you kept them anyway so you  could get the child support money.  I guess they just got in the way of  your drinking and drug use at least until you decided to drag your  daughter right along into it with you.  And you want to stare down YOUR  nose at me??  That’s funny as hell. V.V. loved you and I understand  that because we always hope that our parents will eventually learn to do  the right thing.  But to be quite honest, you disgust me.  And you  should be begging on your fucking knees every day for forgiveness for  the bullshit that you put your kids through.  I also don’t appreciate  the disrespect you showed my son when he wanted to say a prayer of  thanksgiving before he ate his food.  At least my child knows how to be  thankful for what he has been blessed with.  You decided to (selfishly  again) make it your own personal debate about religion.  What kind of  woman are you that you want to debate God with a child??  You should be  ashamed of yourself.  My mom was verbally abusive and bipolar but she  never sunk as low as you.  I would be sickened at myself every day if I  put my son through HALF of what you put your kids through and you think  V.V. owes you ONE FUCKING THING??  Who do you think you are lady?? Just  because you were given the term “mother” on a piece of paper you think  she owes it to you to put up with your childish tantrums??  How dare you  treat her like the bad guy here!?  I have watched her numerous times  trying to include you in her happiness while you turn around and treat  her like she doesn’t exist.  Why should she have to pander to your  childish tantrums?   If you want to go separate yourself off and hold  your breath until everyone tries to figure out what your tantrum is  about now then by all means GO FUCKING TURN YOURSELF BLUE AND CHOKE ON  IT!  I hate to break it to you but eventually people get tired of the  fits thrown by a 2 year old and elect to let her throw it off by  herself. GO FOR IT! We don’t care. After your irresponsible behavior as a  parent and your contribution to her brokenness emotionally (and believe  me I have been the recipient of that thank you very much) you should  thank God every day that she still even speaks to you at all!!   I am  surprised that your other kids bought into what you were selling and  haven’t turned on you.  I feel sorry for them, always trying to make  sure they don’t piss you off so you don’t ignore them like they don’t  mean a fucking thing to you.  You do that enough, eventually you won’t  mean a fucking thing to the people you ignore.  And you will have no one  to blame but you.  Then you can have your little world where everything  revolves around you.  I doubt it will be any fun though.  I’m just  sayin.

 V.V. would love to know what it is like to have a baby  and I bet she would be a way better mom than you but she did not get  that privilege.  That is a shame because you treat your privilege like a  burden. And it is shameful that we as adults end up having to parent  our own parents or just cut them out of our lives altogether just so  that we can get some fucking PEACE in this lifetime and not have to deal  with YOUR childish drama.  I have some words of wisdom for you… Get  over yourself.  You weren’t that great of a mother in my opinion and  that is based on my own experience with a fucked up mom and my  experience with my own child.  Secondly, you proved your own toxicity  with that bullshit comment you left.   How ironic is that? LOL  You may  think I have no stake in this conversation, but you are dead wrong lady.   That woman means the world to me, what I DON’T have any concern or  care for is YOU and YOUR DRAMA.  Normally I would stay quiet (and have  stayed) out of it and let her deal with her own family but every time  you pull this kind of crap, you affect MY family.  That’s right, I said  it MY FAMILY.  And that is MY partner you are fucking with and I am  damned tired of it.  When she gets depressed because of YOU, it affects  MY household and that makes it MY BUSINESS.  So take a page from a  children’s life lesson handbook and if you can’t say anything nice then  shut up and fuck off.  She needs a mother, not a sarcastic, childish  spoiled brat.  When you are willing to be that to her and learn to  respect our family, then I will show you some respect, until then you  need to earn it or leave us alone.  Grow up or move on and stop trying  to make your guilt into our problem.

You had NO right to ruin her  day today. That was selfish, childish and classless. Be a woman and  take some responsibility for your behavior. You owe her an apology.  I  don’t care if you like me because frankly I don’t like you at all. But  if you are any kind of mother you need to resolve this and own your part  in it. Otherwise go your own way because we don’t need a hateful  self-absorbed person like you in our lives.”

Yea..she had A LOT to get off of her chest. By that time, I was numb. I didn’t care. I told Hubby if she wants to send it. Knowing that I will most likely go through an emotional period and knowing that this email wont be in anyway effective. Go right ahead. You’re an adult.

Sorry, this is so long.

The expected behavior followed. She didn’t respond to Hubby, blocked her, and I have yet to get anything from the woman.

Even though, I knew it was gunna be like that. I still, got stupid depressed about it. Yep! I did. I knew I was going to get emotional about it. I didn’t expect to get that emotional or that a whole bunch of other personal issues would pile on top of this.

Hubby and I have an agreement not to post personal stuff on social networking sites. However, I feel this sort of thing deserves to be posted. NEVER in my life has anyone ever stood up for me like that. She was nervous that I was going to throw this in her face if I did get emotional. When in actuality this email has been the light at the end of my dark tunnel!!

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