Insomnia Kills Slowly

Before you read any further, I’d like to warn you that this note is not in any way pleasant. It’s actually pretty damn depressing. This is sad… I am pretty fucking embarrassed as to just how fucking depressing this note may come out. Alas, this is me..being transparent..to those who apparently care to listen to my psycho babble!

The deal is, I feel like my socialization and communication skills are pathetically lacking. Ugh! I could be to blame for it. I might be. I mean, it takes two to tango. Or three…or who knows how many friends it’s taken me to loose over the years. It’s not anything I did on purpose. I don’t think it’s anything anyone intentionally does. We just get caught up in life and either you keep up or in touch or ya don’t. I don’t know if I’ve fallen behind or everyone else has. I feel like it’s me, though. Insert loud sympathetic “Awww.” <here>. Thanks, but really no thanks. Ugh..I’m gagging on my own selfpitty!

I have moved completely out of my element!!! I went from being a Houston “city girl.” And I gotta tell ya. I didn’t think I was all that much of a city girl to begin with. To being a domestic goddess in “small town.” The people are different. It’s like anyone who grew up here…never left. Or something and no offense, I swear to any new friends I’ve added to Facebook on here. Just so there isn’t any offense…I never wanted to initially leave Houston! I grew up there, lived a good chunk of adulthood there. I was content in Houston. Graduated and wanted to move from Spring Branch further into the city. But, never wanted to leave Houston entirely. I’m not saying that I regret my decision to move to the small town.

I…I’m..uh…having some trouble fitting in? Uggggh!!! That’s never been an issue for me, really. I’ve always been able to find some kind of groove where ever I go, eventually. I’ve always been able to make do with what I’ve got. I don’t know what the deal is out here. I don’t know if it’s because I’m this “married” housewife and that’s just not the typical American woman anymore..so there’s nothing to relate when it comes to a social enviornment? I don’t know, though. When they say “you’re drawing straws.” I think that’s really pulling one! That can’t be it!

So, I wonder. Throughout my school life…everyone thought that I was mad or mean. Just by my walk or whatever look I was pulling, I guess. Never got a real clear answer on that assumption. So, I have tried different looks. I’m still me. That’s always been me. Has anyone known me to be the same “look” every damn day? No? It gets old! One day I’ll wear bright pink eyeshadow and heavy black eyeliner and the next I’ll be soft natural browns. Some days, a little rockabilly, 80’s rocker, or plain ol’ preppy. I don’t know. I’ve toyed with my different outfits. I know that I get weird stares when I go grocery shopping or just running a few errands with my 5″ heels. I love my heels. I paid for them and WILL wear them if they kill me!

As usual getting off topic!

A lot of really good days in Houston. I’ve given random strangers compliments. Walking out of a department store, grocery shopping, laundry mat. Where ever about anything I can find. If I feel really good, why not share the wealth? Compliments really boost people and sometimes spark similar interest between two people. Sometimes grows into a conversation…it’s happened. I love that! Ugh. I have given strangers compliments out here…and nothing. They look at me like, “Who the fuck are you talking to me?” I kid you not!

Here’s what I’ve gathered. There is some kind of snobbery I don’t understand out here. What the hell? I mean, c’mon. I love this town…but what’s that great?

Two years, I’ve been living out here and I haven’t made one single friend?? Maybe, I don’t get out much? What’s there to do around here? I’ve gone walking or jogging in the park and haven’t been able to pull a conversation from anyone. They’re usually doing their thing with their friggin’ MP3 players. I do, too. But, I keep it low enough that if anyone should need to say anything to me I can hear them. I mean, I walk with my dog. That alone should be a conversation starter, right? Has been in the past. Just being a walker/jogger used to stir a friendly, “Hello.” or “Good Morning!” where I used to walk in Houston. Even bike riders would take a break from their zone to greet other people on the trail. Not out here.

I miss that. It was a little “high” when I was working out. Friendly, “Hello’s.” Like, a walker/jogger commradere.

Anyways. The only social interraction I have is with my 10 year old stepson and his 17 year old uncle (Hubby’s brother). Both of which do not care what a 27 year old woman has to say. Both of which you can’t go blabbing any and everything to. The step-son hasn’t a clue about adult matters…no matter how hard he tries to chime in. And, the 17 year old…is a typical 17 year old boy.

I need some girlies! LOL! I need moms…stepmoms would be awesome. We can understand the shady grey areas together and vent those frustrations!

I don’t know what to do, anymore. Everything out here is so Hubby’s comfort zone. Her family is out here. And that’s cool for her. But, I still can’t figure out how to win this crowd over. I’ve been the good quiet one. Or so I think? I really don’t say much, unless I’m spoken to. When I’m around them it’s church, the Bible, or childhood memories. Yea…no wiggle room for me to get into the conversation there for I know hardly anything about any of those topics! I don’t care for church, I’m STILL trying to get through the Bible. And the childhood memories…I’ve heard just about all of them (well those that get repeated) and can’t think of anything that hasn’t been said already. Yep…y’all were so bad!

Great…now I’m completely dissing the little bit of social interraction I do get out here! Not intentionnally! I hope y’all understand this is me…being utterly confused. I feel like whenever I do try to chime into a conversation with anyone or group of people out here…it ends. Seriously, the few times I have openned my mouth the conversation drops. It’s nothing obscene I say, or anything really spectacular to quote, here.

I’m going deeper and deeper into this crappy, frumpy housewife feeling. I have no friends out here. I have to make a day trip to go see any friends or they have to do the same to see me. I love my Houstonians…but it seems like such an inconvenience. And since, we’re usually trying to squeeze so much in such little time…I feel like I’m just unleashing all the venting that’s been bottling up. Yea…who wants to visit with that shit, right?

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was wondering where I fucked up any conversations over this weekend. I was excited that we were actually able to make it out to a friendly get together. Maybe, too excited. I drank…immdeiatly…and didn’t stop. And that’s sloppy on my part. What’s worse is that the conversations I remember were goodhearted. Then my girlfriend tells me that I was talking crap about certain zodiac signs. I have know idea if I’ve pissed anyone off. I don’t know if whatever I said was really how I felt…or the way I may have portrayed it came out wrong. I don’t know. I do know that I’m stressing about it too much and I can’t seem to stop because….UGGGGGHHHH!!

i have no friends…and what little bit of an interraction I do get…i want it to be a good one. and i wanna be able to not worry about these stupid things. like not knowing what to talk about anymore or whatever…so i get a little loose. that’s not an excuse. i’m just at a complete and total loss?

I’m tired of stressing about what gets repeated to who…family drama out here. I don’t wanna be a part of it and I don’t wanna have to censor myself because of it. Outside of the family mess…. I don’t know…I got nothing out here.

UGH! Still don’t think this completely explains my funk. I just wanna be alone, now. And not have anything to do with anyone….I’m so done trying to make friends out here or in general, I guess.

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