i sat in bed last night TRYING to get to sleep.STILL trying. i haven’t been able to get a grip on myself since my girlfriend of three years proposed. My sleep, eating and all around routine have been off kilter. i can’t really describe the emotions tied into the proposal itself due to the holiday family morning that still rests in the back of my mind.
there’s one that presented itself after being proposed to.
i started hiding this giddy girl i had NEVER met before! i NEVER thought of weddings!! i’ve looked at rings after some of my friends were starting to get married. i’m a girl…we love jewelry no matter what their purpose may be. NEVER thought i’d be asked. Certainly, NEVER thought i would say “yes.” my actual answer was “OF COURSE!” i thought i would always be proud of the idea of being an individual. not a couple. it was never my big plan. none of what i have done was ever part of my childhood dreams. alas, it has happened. i fell in love. i have, without realizing where any of it was going morphed into a couple life.
this giddy girl was slowly peeking her way through my mind and bloodstream!! i didn’t WANT to let her out! i didn’t want to let her out for the fear that i have made myself a liar to Hubby and myself. thought it might pass anyway. then, it was time to visit my counselor. he was the first to hear the good news by default. he was shocked that we were 30 minutes into the session breaking this news! he was happy for me before i could muster the courage to allow myself to be happy. he also reminded me that i’m suppose to be transparent.
i let her free. the giddy girl was let loose. still, simple. just the girliness of looking for a cute little gay-friendly venue where i could find a nice evening gown or something.
after reading all of that drama from Hubby’s note yesterday. i have half a mind to be a typical fuckin’ Cancer and crawl back in my shell. hide that damn bitch, Giddy Girl! i have half a mind to resort to my initial wedding ideas…before the proposal. “let’s just get the paperwork out of the way. have a party at home and honeymoon up north!”
it really sounds pretty darn tempting. however, where my butch claims not to want to have anything to do with the details she’s dead set on giving me a REAL autumn wedding up north. insert mixed excitement i don’t know what to do with (here). i’m very happy she started looking into this the way i unexpectedly did. and due to my lack of knowledge about typical weddings…i have no clue what parties my butch would be interested in attending or not. so…i’m lost in figuring out any kind of guest list for what! on the note i’m considering having Hubby partake in the “bitch” details i was under the impression she wanted nothing to do with.
so there is my first my attempt at being transparent. the push and pull mess that usually follows with accepting and expressing your emotions.
i have attempted laughing these confusions off with a “you’re sooo Mr. Big!”
remember in Sex and the City the movie. carrie and mr. big were just gunna hit up the courthouse with her little resale dress? it was carrie!! the big super single girl sex columnist…who knew/thought she’d ever get married? well….i can relate. naturally people were getting excited about her getting married and settling down. “it’s the dress.” says carrie bradshaw while she’s defending this new first time bridle craziness to her fiance who has been married before.
i’m trying to remain transparent. trying to avoid that stupid shell staring back at me from the corner of my room. these are my stop think plan act opportunities, too.
last night, i accidentally banged my pinky finger against the nightstand. it didn’t hurt…and i started bawling like toddler. my girlfriend hears me and wants to know what happened. i told her what physically happened…and then in true transparency explained that wasn’t what was making me cry. the pinky injury was just enough excuse for the tears to leap out. she knew all the right things to say. things which, yes, i already know. yet, always comforting to be reassured we’re on the same page.
after a long battle with facebook nobodies who think they’re granted a soapbox where there’s an opportunity to leave a comment. battling with my mind last night over transparency and wedding plans. i’m still going to lean towards Hubby’s original plan to head up north with a few close friends for the ceremony and have a party or two down south.
i got about two years or so to get into any real details. that’s what we’re planning so far. and i’m planning to keep my chin up and focus ONLY on those who are genuinely happy for us and don’t view it as some fucking “gay rights crusade” (one of the commentors’ words…not mine).