Aaaaah Freak Out!!.

hmmm….my writing skills have seriously worn off since i’ve quit doing the old school pen paper routine.

physically…i was weak, my chest hurt & it felt like my blood was about to burst through my skin. sorry for visual if you should have a good imagination. but to be honest…i’ll be slightly proud if that gave you a visual then i haven’t completely lost my writing skills lol.

*ahem* my apologies.

bear with me here. any Christians i know…forgive my ignorance. i don’t mean to offend, if that should occur.

i’ve stated before that i don’t really have anyone to talk to about these things. i’ve been advised to speak to people’s pastors or my own. though, i appreciate this advice. it’s my recent experience that the questions i have asked have received rather cliché responses. or i have been told to quit questioning. thus, making me a bit confused which then can cause one to be nervous. and don’t be confused i do in fact respect the pastors at my church. but i also know that it’s difficult for some to understand MY situation and just simply don’t have the…i’d hate to say right answers. or they’re just not right for me…not during these times anyway.

i’ve spoken to a very select couple of people about my “freak-outs.”

one of which is agnostic but not ignorant to the Bible. our chats have been very comforting while i’ve been on this umm…journey. comforting in the sense that she does understand my confusion…my freak outs. so to speak.

and then i have my girlfriend who was born and raised in this highly spiritual atmosphere. her faith is so strong i wish she’d start a church lol.

though, she has answers lol & patience for my relentless questioning. i feel she doesn’t have a clue where i am coming from, either. that sentence is not to insult her…or i suppose any GOOD HEARTED Christian for that matter. she is willing to help & she is trying & thankfully very encouraging or supportive in my need to be patient. HA

there are “typical” words that people who have been “in tune” say to someone who feels they’ve flipped on the fuzzy channel banging the television set in hopes of getting a clear picture. again…i’m REALLY trying not to offend anyone here. please, just hear me out!

service was good last night. i guess those that are “in tune” would say REAL good. I, however, freaked out so bad i wanted to leave the place for a bit and catch a moment alone. smoke, reflect, and hopefully CHILL. i couldn’t stop shaking.

i didn’t want to be alone to avoid curious eyes…not entirely. i mean…what made this pastor compelled to pray for us. and furthermore, what made her husband feel the need to come up to us and tell us “God wanted me to tell you not to worry about money.”

yes…i know the answer to those questions i stated above.

but my Cancer trust issues were turning. ok…
were our conversations with the pastor private?
did Hubby speak to these people about our problems when she came to church without me?
basically…was i left out of a conversation about us…excluding me?

those questions were answered to my satisfaction LOL. it is truly refreshing to be able to trust one’s words. any other time i would remain a skeptic. but not this time.

the pastor was compelled to pray for us. she said that she knew we had been struggling. and as you all know by reading blogs, surveys, comments or by conversation with either one of us…we have certainly been through A LOT the last few months.

i wonder if He’s getting so frustrated with my frustrations that He had to go through this pastor. He knows that i’ve been wanting Him…but not sure how to go about searching & finding Him & keeping Him in my heart.

alas, He knows me right? so He knows what it’s going to take for me to really believe. right? it’s what i can gather after my experience from last night’s service.

which is about to make me cry right now. overwhelming…realization i guess you’d say.

eyeliner and maschera ran down my face & pains in my stomach. like someone gripping onto my insides…i really don’t know how else to describe it. i honestly don’t think that was the best way. i don’t believe that gave any reader a clear vision or feeling as to what i was really feeling at that moment.

after the service (while i left for my alone time & smoke) some people still hung out to sing some more. and then the crowd lessened when i had made my way back inside (not to bug Hubby for us to go home).

Hubby and i got another prayer from a couple of other people. i’m not sure how that had started because they were just about to bow their heads when i had returned and i honestly felt that i had intruded. but then they asked for me to join as well and had passed on what they were praying for.

all i could say when they asked me to join was “sure. i’m not very good at this, though.” nerves, i’ll admit.

well after that session one of them had wound up telling me all this stuff about his life & everything he had gone through recently. coming out to his family and them disowning him. how weird it was spending christmas without them. and furthermore being in a new city (he’s from Louisiana) and being kind of outcast in his own community for being a Christian.

we fags just can’t win. can we?

i can’t remember everything that he was telling me. i only remember a few key things. like reading bold print in a magazine or something. most of the things that were being said are really fuzzy.

when i had originally went back inside i was dead set on having Hubby drive us home. i felt weak & fuzzy & confused. i just wanted to be lost in thought for a moment.

kinda like i am right now.

my chest hurts so much right now. not in that bad feeling kind of way you’ve been reading about me lately. it just hurts. actually….i’m not sure if it’s bad or good.

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