A Barrel of Poison

i can’t seem to figure out which is more mentally or emotionally damaging for me.
Well…i guess i should start this over. summertime is a love & hate relationship. summertime can be a little unsettling for me because this was usually the time of year i had to move to another part of town, city, new apartment, townhouse, oooh a house this year. new school, new friends, old friends disappearing.
sometimes, i’m very proud of my upbringing. it made me see new people all the time making me a little streetwise. or incredibly social when i should feel up to it.
ah..but i am a cancer and we love a place to call home. i’ve never totally had that. i guess i sort of envy those that have. i’m sort of waiting for the go ahead to pack my shit up and leave around this time of year. some place new. creatures of habit we are. my mind is this whirlwind of how am i gunna make it through this move every year.
silly, isn’t it? i hate this part of me! i hate that my body and mind are like clock work when summertime hits. and then to top all that emotional b.s. of inconsistency i always have issues with my family as whole.
this is where i can’t seem to figure out which is more emotionally and mentally damaging. i’m the spotted sheep among the black sheep. not only is my family the out cast…i’m the outcast of my own family.
i didn’t use to be. i was agnostic and playing it straight, chillin in bars, shootin pool almost every week, livin on my own, makin my own money. what family member could have a problem with that? but here i am. a born-again Christian (constantly praying for the rest of my family), out lesbian (no shame what-so-ever), blessed in the domestic realm, not making my own money, lucky to get a chance out on a weekend.
no complaints ever on my end. it’s usually quite disappointing whenever we make it out on a weekend. i’m bored with the scene…i always have been. i shot pool and drank beers.
anyway. now i feel like i am constantly at some battle with any of my family members. they don’t understand how much it hurts that they drown out my spiritual experiences like they never happened. like i’ve said before, these are the people who i used to be able to talk to once upon a time. about anything. but the second they hear God or the Bible…they tune out or find some argument. or if i ask if they know the Truth how can they possibly ignore IT?? what logical explanation can you give me for the direction of this earth..the behaviors of people today?
i digress. it’s like running in circles. we’re on two separate levels. with everything in life. i have a brother that is literally 13 months younger than me. he talks about getting a job and then moving to another state. let me stress that both of my brothers have not been able to hold a job since graduating high school. neither of them have experienced an actual adult life of living on their own! and when they had roommates i didn’t understand how they were able to get drunk all the time at bars with the type of job they did have! my roommate and i barely made it out to party as hard as these boys claim to. we had cell phone bills, electricity, cable (my roomies choice), groceries, insurance, i had a car note and insurance, gas (before the crazy prices). yea..so i really don’t see how they all live in this fantasy land NOW!
i’m trying not to talk bad about them. i just don’t see how anyone can offer me this “live free” advice when they haven’t even “made it” out on their own completely, nor do they have a 9yr. old to think about!
my brother and i were chatting online and after he was talking about his fantasy world of getting a job, moving to another state with his girlfriend, and starting ALL OVER AGAIN! Uggh…their life seems so stressful with the “starting over agains” all the time! anyway. i tell him i would love to live in Tennessee with those gorgeous mountains and winding roads. or Hubby talks about the north  like it’s the most gorgeous gay-friendly heaven lol! then he tells me “what’s stopping you?”
Ummm…we are incredibly BLESSED where we’re at now. Tn isn’t very gay-friendly, i thought. i didn’t say this because the gay girl can’t talk about the gay issues that they just don’t understand. they’re all like so what fuck the world. sorry, but the world isn’t like that if you wanna have a DECENT life and raising a kid!! Tn is pretty friggin redneck! we are a lesbian family with a 9yr. old….that just doesn’t look very promising. and well..Ct is expensive and Hubby makes a killin workin in the chemical plants. not much to choose from in Ct. i told my brother that it just wasn’t feasible with Hubby’s occupation. he tells me our little brother is living it up in new york with no income. “OK…yea that’s our prize-winning free-loader.” i thought. instead i told him “well he doesn’t have a 9yr old to feed and provide shelter to. a growing 9yr old at that! nor is he homeschooling a 9yr old.”
well that opened a can of worms to our little facebook IM i was not expecting. then he gets on the topic about registering our little boy for homeschooling and compares our Texas laws to another COUNTRY’S!!! Uggh…moron! we went back and forth about why Hubby and i home school and how we would NOT like for him to have STATE approved strictly in our home school activities. i explained to him the huge debacle that went down in Austin recently because the government is trying to change history like Nazi germany had done with the text books! we also discussed the fact that a school had allowed this group of muslims come in for an assembly and everyone was forcing these kids to pray like the muslims do. this is elementary. my brother asked “did they hold a gun up to the kids head and make them pray?” well, no. but these were elementary school children even YOU weren’t very rebellious as an elementary school student. the first thing on your mind is “please don’t call my mother!” there are ways to force people especially school children to do things without a gun held to their head. the use of authority. government officials, police officers, your own parents, teachers, it’s a tool. i told him the public school system encourages or embraces the muslims. i don’t want our kid learning that. that our kid will come home from school or finish his “state-approved” home school studies with tons of questions about muslims and why don’t we do this etc. to which my brother replies “well when he’s done you could just teach him your way over again.”
uhh…then why pay the state our hard-earned cash to teach our son what we’re gunna have to repair later anyways? public school is a lazy mans fuckin day care!
i would’ve gone at this further with my inhibitions about public schools and their fucked up politics. like, why can we learn about the THEORY of evolution but not intelligent design? Or, we can go back to the history books. i didn’t know the Jews ever rebelled while inside the concentration camps. all i knew was that they all fled from Germany like little cowards. but some did FIGHT! but “state-approved” curriculum doesn’t want to let the little people that they want to control in the future know that other people in that situation had fought!
we go back and forth round and round. his little one word answers that don’t even relate to the conversation as a whole! he didn’t even read EVERYTHING i was spewing on the keyboard! ya know. i love a good debate. BRING IT! especially something i feel very strong about. i feel very strongly for homeschooling or against the public school system. if we could find a gay-friendly Christian school i think we’d be all over it.
because i make so many references to the public school system to being like Nazi Germany. he makes fun of me like their gunna start making concentration camps. i agree with a “funny you should ask. they’re already building them!” he replies “oh yea and who are they gunna imprison? you, V.V.” i say of course me. i’m a Christian. a gay Christian at that. i wont take that fuckin bar code they wanna implant in my body.” of course he makes fun of me. i tell him that we already have the Nazi like police out there. they’ve changed their name just like the Nazis originally began.
anyway. once we were done arguing and called it a night…er morning. i was fuming and spoke to Hubby. not only did he piss me the hell off. he really pissed her off. who is he to tell us how to parent? who is he that doesn’t have a kid? i agree and state who hasn’t even made into an adult life??
i’m chain-smoking by this time. praying to stay calm. i don’t know how i remained as calm as i was talking with him. his ignorant responses started to make me question myself and how i might have been while i was agnostic. i ask Hubby quickly, “was i ever like that? was i ever so closed off to thought of God that i didn’t even hear your arguments? even if you weren’t trying to convert me. i mean like forcing prayer in school?” things like that. lol she reassured me that i was never like that. that i was very open to any argument/debate about religion and God. thanks that was my goal as an agnostic, then. i tried to keep my mind open.
the thing is. i was told once (by a co-worker) that if i feel like my family is toxic and not doing me any good. then i don’t have to stay in touch with them. she said i could pray for them over and over, but if they aren’t doing anything for you but negative, then you can cast them aside and just hope for the best. the idea is tempting, but i know how i am. i suppose i could always turn to God when i am feeling abandoned or neglected. i know that’s what i should do. this co-worker and  have both said to me not to cast pearls before swine. Ugggh…my own family, though!

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