Father, I want to cry and I’m not sure how to explain. You’ve left me again! Well, I know it’s I that has left You or ignored something you’ve done. Or whatever. Is this common? Do other born-again Christians have this problem? What about the other Christians?
I know, You love me regardless. I’m not sure at what point it is that I leave You. When it happens I get so scared. I know I should call You, but I’m afraid of taking advantage of You & ONLY calling when I need your protection.
Typical cliché Christian babble really makes me cautious with You. Even though I know I’m not suppose to rely on people when it comes to my faith. Even if it’s a loved one whose words are golden when it comes to my questioning anything having to do with You, Jesus, Faith & Christians.
I wish I knew what triggers my leaving You. Aside from being a silly human.
It happened again last night. The tightness that brings my body to shiver. This was something different, though. I saw a figure when I closed my eyes. It was scary. I had to keep my eyes closed so I could get a better look every time it blinked closer and further and closer to me.
The best I can figure is that this ghostly creature was me! With hollowed eyes, stringy hair, pale skin…just blinking in different spaces in a very dark room. If it was even a room…all I saw was blackness.
If I were dreaming? I would welcome any interpretations. Even if it were a daydream. But, it wasn’t a dream of any sort! Just this blinking ghostly corpse creature resembling me!
I know that I have been craving a praise and worship day. I wish I had the guts to do this outside in my own backyard.
I know the world is getting darker fast and all these things that are happening HAVE to happen. And the demonic presence is growing.
Uggh… I wish. I wish You didn’t feel so far away from me. I wish I weren’t around most people at all. Though, I know having a faith at all isn’t suppose to be easy.
Everything is getting clearer the more I read. The more I am mentally and emotionally capable to study. It’s all in hic-ups.
I’ve never been one to believe that a group of people can help with healing of any kind. So, it’s very difficult for me to ask anyone to pray for me..let alone a group of people!
During those times when I feel my faith slipping…does it really need to be so friggin dramatic? I can understand moments of emptiness and not always feeling that bursting good warm feeling all day, everyday. But, the thoughts and visions?
This stuff makes me feel and sound so crazy. And that makes me scared, too. Sometimes, I wish that the people I knew experienced these things just so we could all talk about it in the comfort that we’ve all been there, too. The people who I used to be able to discus crazy messed up crap to. Mom, sister, and brothers. Now they all treat me like I’m some ranting lunatic on a street corner.
I think they think I’ve been brainwashed into some Kool Aid drinking cult.
God, I love Hubby & I know that she is always here to discuss these things with me. I just wish I didn’t feel like we were on such extremely different spiritual levels. We are..but we’re not at the same time. I can’t describe it. I’m never convinced that she knows what I’m dealing with for the simple fact that I’m a new believer and she’s been raised into this spirituality & couldn’t possibly know what it’s like for me.
Anyway. I hate having those dreams or visions or whatever ya wanna call them. They keep me up at night which puts me on edge…and that adds more stress and sadness because I remember that one horrific night.
I wish the people that are supposed to love me wouldn’t scoff at my newfound er found again faith. I pray that they could understand what I had experienced. What I have been experiencing.
I’m scared to post this for fear of what people may think. People I have worked with. People I might one day work with if I should go back to work. New friends, old friends that don’t know these new things going on with me.
I wish I had answers for all of it. But, most of what I am writing are things I don’t believe anyone will fully comprehend unless they have undergone a demonic attack themselves. Or witnessed one. Or is in someway affiliated with the spiritual/supernatural. Sounds all kinds of crazy doesn’t it?