Farewell 2 Htown

i thought i had missed my city life. i thought i had missed the freedom to go out whenever i want with whoever i want where ever i want. but there was this constant emptiness hanging over my shoulders. its difficult to explain…difficult for me to grasp. everything i thought made me happy before…didn’t this go around. yea i smiled. i laughed. but i cried more than i’ve ever cried before. my chest was hollow. my heart was on the floor shaking its fist at me. i knew what i wanted before…but wasn’t sure if i could do it. and joked about it instead. i knew what i craved but wasn’t sure how to put it into action. nor was i comfortable with the fact that i would be depending on another. on her. why is that soo unsettling? like i’ve said before i’m not taking complete blame…but this is my side. when i went back to houston i was lost and confused. had no idea what i was doing…just kinda goin with the flow…or against it? when i moved out on my own i had followed my heart in all of my decisions. my heart has yet to steer me in the wrong direction…so why do i let the mind take over? there should be a balance…but sometimes like a crack at the bottom of a boat in the middle of the ocean the mind creeps in suddenly & takes over. i curse my heart most of the time. and i still don’t understand why. i know when i follow it has been in my favor and those around me. i curse being a cancer. we crave security…but will never accept it. we crave it in money, love, trust and companionship. fuckin Cancer! i don’t have anyone i claim to be my best friend. i don’t have anyone that i tell absolutely everything to. in my opinion..that’s supose to be my girlfriend, my lover, my partner. but when that starts to fade….who’s there. not that i don’t have friends…but nobody i can completely trust. i’m confident with the path we are about to embark. my heart is confident. my mind has fears…and it will be difficult in the beginning because of these fears. but remind me that you love me. remind me constantly that you wouldn’t let anything happen to me. hold me when i’m angry and my back is towards you…no matter my protests. compliment the things i do. tell me you wanted to kiss me because of something funny i improved to a movie. call me crazy with a heartfelt smile when i’m being goofy. that’s why i’m being goofy in the first place. to get your attention. to make you laugh. to make you smile 🙂 compliments beyond my skin are worth my wild! tell me you love my passion for standing up for myself and what i believe in. you find my mind complex & interesting leaving you with an insatiable thirst for more! you think i’m beautiful when i read. i don’t know…remind me of the little things that make such a big difference on your perception of me. those things let me know that you do love ME…ALL OF ME.

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